Written by Sausage Fingered
Rating:

Share/Bookmark
Print this

Sunday, 18 July 2010

An El Chupacabra, or simply "Goat Sucker," was arrested in the town of Tubac, Arizona for illegal immigration.

The Goat Sucker, or Enrico Encarnacion as he likes to be called, was also found with a kilo of cocaine in his prison wallet, or anal cavity.

Enrico said, as his beady red eyes pulsed, that "the Sinaloa cartel provided me with the access to get across the border through a tunnel system and in return I had to smuggle some cocaine to a guy named Oswaldo in Tucson."

The Goat Sucker's anal cavity allowed him to smuggle a larger amount of cocaine than the average human being because he is the size of a small bear and has a pain threshold beyond that of most animals.

Local Sheriff's Deputy, Earl Rodriguez, stated that "El Chupacabra immigration has been a hidden fear of law enforcement personal for a long time. And now that we know they are crossing the border and working with drug cartels makes this a serious national security issue."

El Chupacabra has long been a contested urban legend throughout Latin America, normally being dismissed by current academic biologists. Dr. Simon Hearst, a biologist at Arizona State University, dismissed the statement about El Chupacabra being detained in Tubac, calling it "a radical right wing stunt to promote the persecution of the Latino's through fear mongering." He also emphasized that there was no such thing as El Chupacabra.

Earl Bunsom, a Tubac cattle hand and self-proclaimed expert on El Chupacabra movements, has been searching for the Goat Sucker for twelve years. "I left my job in Los Angeles about twelve years ago after El Chupy killed my cat Butch in the middle of the night. I heard Butch crying and ran into the storage room where he slept and saw glowing red eyes staring at me and Butch's blood dripping from that bastard's mouth. I tried saving Butch, but I was too late and vowed to kill all those damn Goat Suckers."

Enrico Encarnacion, the Goat Sucker being detained, declined to answer any questions relating to recent animal slaughters throughout the area. However, when asked about his reasoning behind his illegal immigration, he stated that "America is the land of the free and the rich, higher paying jobs means people can afford more, therefore livestock reserves are much larger here. In Latin America, the food reserves are quite small and the goat farming has declined considerably mainly being replaced by small chickens and guinea pigs. I can't feed myself, let alone my two children, with those scrawny birds and rodents. I come to America to eat cattle, bison, elk, and deer."

Sheriff's Deputy Rodriguez said that Enrico was very forthcoming when discussing the procedures used by the Sinaloa cartel to smuggle him into the country. "The valuable information we have received from Enrico about the Sinaloa's operations will greatly help our border security. However, we are still very concerned about perimeter breaches by other Goat Suckers and will remain vigilant in our fight against their illegal acts."

Earl Bunsom sees this as an opportunity to finally seek his revenge for the murder of his cat, Butch. "Since El Chupy was captured, the memories of that fateful night have resurfaced and increased my desire to seek revenge."

Enrico seemed unfazed when asked about the possible repercussions that may transpire from working with local law enforcement. Enrico continued to shrug off the repercussions saying "you think I'm scared of a bunch of small drug smugglers? I'm a fucking beast that could slash you apart in seconds and then eat your children for desert!"

Enrico was transferred from the local sheriff's department to an undisclosed Homeland Security facility, orders coming from Director Janet Napolitano. No questions were answered from Homeland Security and Sheriff's Deputy Rodriguez was happy to have the Goat Sucker out of his jurisdiction.

Make Sausage Fingered's day - give this story five thumbs-up (there's no need to register, the thumbs are just down there!)

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you fancy trying your hand at comedy spoof news writing, click here to join!

Print this


Share/Bookmark

Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!

Email:

What's 4 multiplied by 2?

2 16 8 24

Go to top