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Saturday, 17 July 2010

image for Meg Whitman shoves Jerry Brown off the Bay Bridge
A rescue chopper shown dragging the drenched political veteran out of San Francisco Bay.

SAN FRANCISCO, California -- Meg Whitman, the Republican candidate for governor of California, pushed her Democratic rival Jerry Brown off of the San Francisco-Oakland Bay Bridge this afternoon, according to authorities.

"Politics can be a rough-and-tumble business," said a member of the rescue team that hauled the waterlogged career politician out of the bay. "Especially when a certain former eBuy executive is in a hurry."

"Traffic on the bridge was at a standstill," recalled Brown, wringing out his socks and draping them carefully over a handrail. "Obviously, I couldn't go anywhere, but this lady behind me just wouldn't stop honking!"

He said he got out to see what the problem was, and that's when he noticed it was Meg Whitman. They exchanged words briefly, said Brown, at least until she completely lost it and shoved him off of the Bay Bridge and into the San Francisco Bay.

During her 10 years as CEO of eBuy, Whitman, was known as a demanding leader who did not hesitate to express displeasure with employees who failed to meet her expectations.

In 2007, a Mr. Kim So Yung was paid $200,000 to keep quiet after Whitman became enraged and tossed him out of an executive conference room window at eBuy's headquarters. Yung had been helping Whitman prepare for a news interview later that day.

The Whitman campaign issued a statement signed by Whitman that described Jerry Brown as a "respected colleague and valuable asset to the State of California."

This contradicts her earlier statements in a series of political attack ads that highlight Brown's actual failures, as well as a few that she invented specifically for the ads.

"In any high-pressure working environment, tensions can surface," the statement said. "Mr. Brown and I had a professional disagreement, which we will hopefully put behind us. Meanwhile, now that I've got him out of the way, I've got business to attend to."

Admittedly, Ms. Whitman has been busy lately. She purchased the California Republican primary for governor last month for $108 million.

Whitman never actually voted in an election until 2002, but during her tenure at eBuy, she took the small auction site of 30 employees and expanded it into a huge company with 15,500 employees.

If elected to be governor, she hopes to run California "a little bit more like a business."

It is unclear whether this means she wants California's government to expand as much as eBuy did under her supervision, or if it simply means she's going to toss her political opponents out of windows and off of bridges when she's pissed.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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