Written by susan allen-rosario
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Saturday, 6 August 2005

image for Severely deformed wildlife found outside of White House

Washington - Several tourist visiting the capital this week, have reported seeing very strange deformed rodents, possibly squirrels, (by most accounts) running around outside, on the White House lawn.

"At first, I thought they were playing leap frog, then I realized, much to my surprise, that they were actually conjoined triplets! I watched them try to climb a tree, it was pitiful, absolutely pitiful."

Animal control officers called to the scene to investigate the situation, say they have no idea what would cause such a mutation. "They look like a science project, gone horribly wrong. We consulted a vet to see if he thought there was any chance they could be separated, but we were never able to catch them, so they could be properly examined. They may be mutants, but they're quick!"

Not only are the squirrels deformed, they also appear very confused at times.

"They act like, one part wants to go this way, and the other parts want to go another way. There are three heads, but only four legs. The guy in the middle really has the short end of things. He's wedged in there like a tomato in a ham sandwich," animal control officers told us. People are asking us for answers, but we just don't have a clue, how this happened. We're going to have to refer the whole thing to the Whitehouse."

A White House spokesperson says that they are trained circus rodents, who recently retired to Washington.

"They are not physically joined together, it's just part of their old act. They like to do it to entertain the tourists. They call it ‘jump the shark', ("shark" is the name of the oldest member of the trio.)

One tourist interviewed says he is not buying "their lame explanation". "I saw George W. himself, in the flesh, come out and feed that rodent tripod, something he had in his hand. Secret service agents surrounded him, but I could still see what he was doing. If he's feeding them the same bullshit he's feeding to the American people, it's no wonder they're deformed and confused."

Confidential to "Confused in Illinois"…
My advice to you is… cut it off! You don't need it anyway!
Please contact Dr. Snippet, who has an office in your area, and good luck! Susan

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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