There was panic in the Maine tourist industry today with the news that President Barry Obama and his immaculate family were threatening to disrupt the entire Tourist Economy of Mt. Desert Island with a Presidential 'personal holiday' starting next weekend.
Mt. Desert Island, location of iconic Bar Harbor, Northeast Harbor, Southwest Harbor, Somes Sound, and Pretty Marsh, is the summer home to some of the richest WASPS along the East Coast, along with the sole Democrat, George Mitchell, the replacement for Jimmy Carter as the President's National Apologist Czar.
With the likes of the Rockefellars, Fords, Bass Brothers, Duponts and many captains of industry and banking hanging out for two months of relaxation and endless cocktail parties, a spokesman for the group said succinctly, "Oh, shit...this is even worse than when Martha Stewart showed up and tried to turn Seal Harbor into Greenwich, Connecticut!"
Early reports have the Presidential entourage landing at Bangor International Airport since it can accommodate the humungous Air Force 1, not to mention
From there it looks like a 40 mile jet ranger helicopter ride to Trenton Airport, which will be shut down, much to the dismay of the Campbell Soup Heiress, and the former CEO's of Corning Glass, Credit Suisse, and Sears, just to name a few.
From Tenton, a 47 car motorcade will command the one lane road over the Trenton Bridge, next to the Trenton Lobster Pound with it's continuous wood fired pots for boiling Lobsters, and on to the infamous 'Y" in the road which has been the scene of classic traffic jams.
One can turn left to Bar Harbor, and right to the rest of the idyllic island and scenic Somes Sound, the only natural fjord on the east coast, cruising destination for Hinckley sailing yachts, and weekly j-boat races for the heirs of some of America's biggest fortunes.
According to sketchy sources, Obama expressed some interest in touring Jackson Lab, home of the world's largest sterile mouse habitat for experiments, but lost interest when told all the mice were white, even though federally funded.
Others say he was really interested in touring the top of Cadillac Mountain in his Escalade merely as a political 'shout out' for his buddies in Government Motors (GM) and a boost to the IAW (International Auto Workers) which also now have a stake in the former industrial giant at the expense of widows and retirees that had their shares in the auto company wiped out with the Obama takeover, but canceled that jaunt when he found out the Park Rangers hadn't been unionized yet.
Meanwhile, store keepers feel that the President's visit will bring an early end to the tourist industry which shuts down like a steel trap upon labour day.
"They'll probably shut off access to the island, God knows the traffic is bad enough," said Kabob Singh, owner of the Madras Tee-Shirt Shoppe in Bar Harbor.
"I'm goin' sell off everything at 5% over cost while I can, and head back to New Delhi, Obama is bad news to small business, and this is the final nail in the coffin...dem Muslims sure do hate us Hindus!"
Some local lobster men echoed Singh saying," well, we'll be eatin' a lot of lobsters...I know many of the tourists leaving early will have us pack a bunch for travel, but we still have a month of prime tourist season left...who's going to come up here after they hear Obama's been here? Just those ACORN people, and they don't spend their own money, and we don't honor FOOD STAMPS in Downeast Maine, I can tell that you for damn sure Mister Man!"
Some locals, who had never left their home town, such as Willard "Bull" Winkle, from Stonington, said he would stick around for the oddity.
"Been here all my life...never been to 'Banger', no need, don't wanna...but
a black man in a big Cadillac...never seen that before down here...course I want to see it...something to tell the grandkids, innit? Probably never happen again, especially after this November!"
Most of the rest of downeasters said they would stay at home, or head to camp.
Said Charlie "Chipper" Woods, a retired logger and clamer, "I'm gonna get me a mess of smelts and fry 'em up in a big ole black pan with grease, grab a few beers and watch it on TV with my cats."
Daryl 'tracker' Youngtree, a registered Maine guide, said he could be found where he always was, trollin on Donnell Pond in his 12' pram with the 1952 Evinrude 2 HP outboard using a Mooselook Warbler tryin to bring some landlocked salmon to the boat. "if it gets too hot, I'll head to my favorite spot and catch a mess of perch using those worms I brought up this morning after I cast a batch of coffee grounds on the back lawn...nothin' like a fried perch dinner after a long hard day on the water...who'd you say was comin' next week, another Masshole?"
Rumours are now circulating that to 'plug that economic hole' left by Obama, Tea Party Activists will be staging a rally featuring Sarah Palin which already has caused massive hotel bookings on the island, lobster prices to rise $1.59 per pound, and a fleet of BMWs with Obama stickers to head back to Massachusetts despite being told by locals when they asked for directions,
"Boston?...you can't get there from here!"