GALVESTON - Well the BP Gulf of Mexico oil spill tar balls have now reached each one of the five Gulf Coast states.
Texas Governor Rick Perry has announced that Texas Rangers have taken into custody a total of 47 Louisiana Tar Balls that had washed up on the shores of Galveston Beach.
And Governor Ricky is literally fit to be tied. He has instructed his Department of Public Safety Texas Rangers that if they find anymore of these mother effen Louisiana tar balls to let him know immediately.
The Texas governor has stated emphatically that he will not be putting up with anymore of this tar ball BS. He told a throng of assembled reporters in Austin, "Now guys and gals lemmy just remind y'all dat I ain't gonna be aputtin' up wiff dis oil spill shit.
Dis here is Texas, dis ain't Louisiana, Mississippi, or Alabama.
If dem other folkes wanna put up wif dat friggin yucktastic mess then dat be der problum, but down here in Texas we don't cotton ta no foreign tar balls washing up on our beautiful beaches."
The governor went on to say "Hell its bad enough dat, dat damn hurricane Ike came in here two years ago and messed up da place with all kinds of trash, rubbish, and who knows what else all dat he picked up over in nasty Cuber (Cuba)."
The mayor of Galveston Joe "Cotton-Eyed Joe" Jaworski stated that he has informed Governor Perry that he has got to do something before this tar ball crap starts scaring away the summertime tourists.
Jaworski said that if people start hearing that there are tar balls in the area they are liable to change their plans of vacationing in Texas and instead go vacation in some other place like California, Cancun, Canada, or even that great big old iceberg, way up north, known as Alaska.
When Governor Perry was asked how the tar balls managed to get to Texas, he stated that as best as he can figure the little mother effers got deposited here in pelican droppings.
Perry said that Louisiana pelicans are notorious for eating crap like sludge, mud, and tar balls, and then flying down here to Texas, doing number two, and returning back to their nesting grounds in the southern bayous of Louisiana.
When asked by a reporter for The Laredo Afternoon Tribune Gazette if maybe he shouldn't instruct his Texas Rangers to shoot the low-flying pelicans, the governor grinned, raised his eyebrows, took a sip of his Lone Star Longneck Bottle and replied, "Hey Scooter, I has already dun tot of dat.
But since it is a kinda delicate thang; legal matters and all, I am not gonna use state paid employees ta shoot da hell out of da pelicans. Instead I have asked for good ol' boy volunteers from South Texas ta come on over to Galveston Beach wiff their high-powered telescopic rifles and da state will be setting up about three dozen 'pelican blinds' on da shoreline.
And each 'pelican blind' will hold three good ol' boys who will watch for da damn Louisiana tar ball shittin' pelicans, and when dey sees dem dey will blow da sumbitches all ta hell even before dey has a chance to pucker...ah dat be da pelicans not da good ol' boys.
In other state news. The sports rumor that had been circulating throughout the Lone Star State that Mark Cuban was thinking about moving his NBA Dallas Mavericks to Monterrey, Mexico has proven to have been totally false.