Written by Chuck the Canuck
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Topics: Pope, Death

Monday, 4 April 2005

In an effort to garner support with Catholic voters and cash in on all the free "papist hoopla" surrounding the death of Pope John Paul II, President Bush has announced that his government intends to adopt the papal doctrine, "Neca eos omnes. Deus suos agnoscet"

Roughly translated it means, "Kill them all. Let god sort them out."

White House sources tell us that this new policy was adopted after a recent bible study class conducted by the president, where true to form, "The president misinterpreted a passage from 2 Tim 2:19 which in part reads, "The Lord knoweth them that are his."

The same anonymous source went on to state, "No sooner were those words passed his lips, then he got this really funny look on his face, looked up at the ceiling and started waving and gesticulating at an odd shaped water stain on the ceiling."

Although it wasn't exactly clear as to what the president was saying, a source close to Mr. Bush said, "Through all the foaming and dribbling, I thought I heard him say , "fool me once, they can't fool me, I know who they are and I'm going to kill all those Iraqistani, Muslimoid, raghead, rat bastards. You wait and see. Oh yes indeedy"."

When one of his aids questioned the wisdom of instituting such a harsh new edict, President Bush quickly reminded him that there was a flight leaving for Baghdad later that evening and if he wasn't careful he would find himself promoted to the new presidential envoy to the Iraqi parliament.

Not wanting to alienate his base constituency, of whom the president lovingly refers to as his "dim-witted, red state, retarded toady buddies" by catering to the papists, President Bush promised to expand upon the new doctrine by passing yet another divinely inspired edict known as "Nulla salus extra ecclesium" ("Outside the Church there is no salvation.")

Sources confirm this decree is designed to help identify and deal with the growing domestic problem of an increasing number of "free thinkers, intellectuals, liberals and left wing, Godless pansies". It is rumored that the president intends to empty several federal prisons of their violent felons to make room for these "Godless heathens".

President Bush is quoted as saying, "Those damn murders and rapists will just have to wait until judgement day for their punishment. I've got the Lord's work to do."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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