Written by Dan Barash
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Topics: Americans, Theft

Monday, 4 April 2005

image for Thieves Swipe Hour From Millions of Americans
Stealing or killing time is a crime.

Law enforcement officials around the nation have been deluged with reports of hour theft from irate citizens. Authorities believe millions of Americans were robbed of an hour shortly after midnight on April 3. In what appears to be a meticulously planned heist, bandits apparently stole an hour from vast numbers of homes and escaped undetected.

The Department of Homeland Security is monitoring the situation, and may classify it as a terrorist incident. Secretary Michael Chertoff said the "breadth and audacity" of the theft indicate the perpetrators were well funded and had been planning the attack for months, if not years. "Time is critical to our nation, and stealing time on this scale affects the very foundation of our society," he said. He did not have time to elaborate.

The FBI has formed a task force to investigate the theft, but a spokesman admitted they were "basically clueless" and had no evidence, suspects, or motive. An initial theory speculated the theft was performed remotely by an "electronic pulse" that simultaneously attacked all homes in America. The theory was rejected when a detailed audit revealed that all comic book villains were either in custody or retired, leaving no viable suspects at large.

President and Mrs. Bush were among the hour theft victims according to unconfirmed reports. A White House aide said the President was robbed of an hour sleep, and he would be spending several days at the Crawford, Texas ranch to catch up

Lazlo Fleming of Chicago was one of many Americans who felt violated and helpless. "To have an hour just disappear like that, it's very upsetting," he said. "It makes you wonder if you have a good grip on reality."

Authorities are also dumbfounded as to where the stolen hours are being stored, or what the thieves may do with them. The FBI has asked Americans to be on the lookout for anybody who appears to have "all the time in the world". According to an FBI press release, "Normal Americans are harried, frantic, and overwhelmed. Anybody who appears to be unusually calm or has an inordinate amount of time on their hands should be reported to authorities immediately."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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