Written by Don Pitts
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Topics: Jane Fonda

Saturday, 2 April 2005

image for Baez Rebuffs Fonda's Apology

In a rare emergence from her self-imposed isolation of pissing and moaning about her unrequieted love for Dylan, Joan Baez has refused to accept the apology of spandex model Jane Fonda. "I was sitting in frikkin jail getting girl raped by Big Bertha while that bitch was sitting on padded anti-aircraft battery seat, being a frikkin celebrity, a plastic status, I'll remind you, that I consistently refuted."

Jane Fonda was not immediately available for comment, certainly a break from her younger years. But she did apologize for sitting on the anti-aircraft gun, defending herself by adding that it got grease all over her cool Gucci combat capris. "Yes, that was a big mistake" she allowed. "That grease never really came out. I gave the clothes to a homeless homosexual in Atlanta." (Editor's note: she's not that nice - there were Braves tickets in the pockets).

Fonda did not apologize for her radio broadcasts that earned her the name "Hanoi Jane", nor did she refute rumors of "entertaining" the 3rd Regiment of the North Vietnamese Army that wild drug-crazed night in Hanoi that really got her that moniker. "They were nice guys" she allows. "Kinda small, though."

UN Secretary Anan was neither impressed, noting that while in North Viet Nam she also taught them the "tomahawk chop" thereby giving a rogue army the means of degrading an already oppressed people in the United States. "Now there are two rogue armies with Braves fans" he said. "Exporting insanity is not a virtue. I just exported my son, and that's different."

The Swift Boat Veterans were quick to respond with a two billion dollar advertising campaign paid for by the Department of Homeland Security. "Jane Fonda was never in Viet Nam. She was a wussie T&A Grade B actress in Hollywood. And while she was there she killed unarmed Americans. And furthermore.... wow... dig those colors.....

Unlike Fonda, Joan Baez has spent her life doing good, involved with Anmesty International and pissing and moaning about her unrequieted love for Dylan. Meanwhile, Fonda has married derelicts for their sex and money, being satisfied only during threesomes with French prostitutes.

"She's a whore" Baez said. "She made Barberella. Sailors would masturbate while watching it. That prolonged an unjust war. Bitch!"

Meanwhile, the entire population of the United States under the age of 50 had no idea what all this bullshit was about, making it a moot point to everyone except unimportant old farts.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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