Written by Chuck Terzella
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Topics: Pope, Death

Saturday, 2 April 2005

This has been an interesting time for Conservative Christians. The death of Terri Schiavo and the passing of Pope John Paul II has left many of the theologically rigid among us wondering who's next on Gods hit list. In Evangelical Churches across the land prayers are being offered and betting pools started as the faithful begin to pony up a little extra tithe money and pick their candidates for the next winner of God's Eternal Getaway.

Fearing that bad news comes in three's, Christians are banking on the fact that someone out there in the fold has already come under the Big Guys scrutiny and is being targeted for a short stint as worm food and a somewhat longer run in Heaven...or not, as the case may be. The odds on favorite at this point is the Reverend Jerry Falwell, whose swelling and fluid buildup in his lungs seems to have recently given him an edge in the competition. Next is United States Vice President Dick (Dick) Cheney; while it's true that ongoing heart problems have left him in the position of ‘always a bridesmaid but never a bride', it's still the strategy of some cunning Christian gamblers to put a donation down on the Administrations number two as a way of playing the long odds.

Other Radical Fundamentalist candidates on the short list are: representing theological terrorism- Osama bin-Laden, reportedly still high on George Bush's betting card, as is radical Iraqi cleric Moqtada al-Sadr. Iran's Grand Ayatollah Ruhollah Khomeini is said to also be an Administration favorite; the lack of any known ailments leads one to wonder if Mr. Bush knows something that the rest of us don't. Rounding out the list and representing the kinder face of religious intolerance is the Reverend Billy Graham, whose age and generally poor health means he can never be ruled out as a winner.

One Evangelical Christian and a member of the Fargo, North Dakota Church of the Big Smite and parish Dead Pool bettor, Festus P. Hymen, speaking in a telephone interview said, " Some of my Liberal, Godless neighbors are saying that betting on someone dying is kinda sick and un-Christian, but they're just stupid Heathens. Conservative Christianity is all about helping others and if I made a bundle betting on say, Billy Graham to stroke out unexpectedly then that means that Billy is helping me, right? After all, why should the Reverend Graham's heart popping be wasted? He wouldn't want that, I'm sure. As for those who condemn gambling I say this: think of it as a sort of Terminal Bingo."

God, the final arbitrator in this Christian Crap Shoot is staying mum about who the next winner is which is of course adding to the suspense and excitement of the play. Many Evangelical Church's are keeping CNN tuned in twenty four hours a day in the hopes of finding an edge and scoring a bundle in the growing number interfaith pools. A new website is said to be in the works that will list hundreds of pools across the nation.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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