Written by Charpa93
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Topics: Drugs, Crackhead

Saturday, 3 July 2010

image for Study Shows Crackheads Prefer Orange Kool-Aid over Cherry by Margin of Two-to-One

In yet another example of the government throwing good money at bad research, scientific researchers in Michigan were given $1.2 million to study which flavors of foods crackheads prefer in order to keep the items stocked at local food pantries.

The research group receiving the grant money disagrees with senators protesting the latest research project as yet another example of runaway government waste spending.

"There is a growing problem with keeping crackheads nourished. We must do everything we can to find out what foods crackheads on the street will actually eat so that they end up getting, at the very least, the minimum daily requirement of nutrients in their bodies. We can't keep them from smoking crack, but we can do something about keeping them a bit more healthy," said Dimitri Alexander lead scientist at the Foundation for Nutritional Health and Well-being of Crackheads.

So far, results indicate that crackheads prefer orange flavored drink mix to cherry flavored drink mix two to one, and they prefer the brand Kool-aid over the cheaper Flav-o-Aid brand. In addition to drink mixes, crackheads seem to prefer the barbeque flavored Vienna sausages over the original, and thick-sliced bacon over the low-sodium thin-sliced variety.

"This is quite a breakthrough in crackhead nutrition. Now we can fully understand the mechanics of keeping our crackhead community stocked up on the foods they like." Getting crackheads to eat 3 daily servings of fruits and vegetables has been difficult, at best, according to Alexander, "but the drink mix contains vitamin C, which is helpful in warding off scurvy in the ones we get to in time," he said as he prepared the latest research dinner of SpaghettiO's and RavioliO's for a special Saturday night taste testing.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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