Special to INS - BP's CEO, Tony Hayward, received a new brain on Friday after the original was found to be functioning at only 20 percent of typical brain capacity. The new brain came from a donor described by Hayward's doctors as a "twenty-something manager of a McDonald's who suffered a heart attack while refilling a Fryolator."
Chief surgeon Ernest Cutter noted an immediate improvement in Hayward's cognitive abilities. He can now make change in denominations of up to ten dollars and is able to distinguish between a Quarter Pounder and a Big Mac. He is still unsure as to the difference between a Big Mac and a Big 'N Tasty, but that is expected to be resolved within the next week.
Hayward also has difficulty determining the difference between motor oil and the canola oil used to cook McDonald's French fries, which led to an altercation between him and the franchise's manager, Spuds Borey. The matter was complicated by the intervention of several customers who claimed that Hayward's new French fry recipe imparted "a more robust flavor" to this McDonald's staple.
Although a spokesperson for McDonald's would not comment on the nutritional value of motor oil, Josh Hoodliwink of the American Petroleum Institute said, "Most oil workers consume various petroleum products as a regular part of their diet. We encourage the residents of the Gulf Coast to do the same, instead of complaining about a few tar balls stuck to their toes. By the way, those tar balls make a terrific charcoal lighter for the family barbeque."
Hayward is expected to be retained by BP and is to lead a fact-finding panel, which will attempt to assign blame for the Gulf oil spill on a temporary worker from Guatemala.