Wal-Mart door greeter, Jon McBain, who local folks claim looks very much like a thinner, angrier version of former Presidential Candidate John McCain, committed suicide this morning while greeting customers.
"It was crazy," said Seth Bishop, a teenage Wal-Mart customer who routinely rides his skateboard to the store with his shorts sagging toward the ground. "The old dude just like whipped out this big ass shot gun and stuck it to his head and then pulled the trigger. Brains and shit went everywhere. Dude, it was like a total Cobain."
Friends and relatives of Jon McBain were not surprised. "Jon was a proud man," said his ex-wife Sarah. "He grew up as a coal miner's son, worked all his life in the coal mines, except for when they drafted him for Vietnam. When he came back, he just went back to work. He always said that if he ended up greetin' people at the Wal-Mart, that he'd just want his brains blown out. I guess he got tired of waitin' fur sumone else to do it, an he jus did it imself."