Washington, DC - In another unprecedented move from the White House, President Obama has invited South Carolina to secede from the union. Under normal circumstances, the decision to secede from the union is usually made by a state government that feels it can no longer abide by the rules of the federal authority and wishes to become autonomous. In this rare case, the tables have been turned.
In a speech late Wednesday afternoon, President Obama made his case for asking South Carolineans to "please, please accept this as my heartfelt invitation to gather up your things from Washington, go on back to your state, and start governing yourselves." The President stopped short of using his Presidential authority to strip South Carolina of its statehood.
In his speech, Obama gave his reasons for making this most unusual declaration. "Even before I became President of the United States, I sensed that South Carolina was going to be a tough state to govern. Their roots to slavery run deep, and I knew as well as anyone that they weren't going to take kindly to taking orders from some uppity black man, yet I gave them the benefit of the doubt."
"But," he continued, "these folks are just out there, as far as I'm concerned, and there's only so much controversy this country can take before it decides to cut its losses and move on. Just like the guy who gets gangrene in his big toe. What does he do? Does he let the toe fester and infect the rest of the foot and eventually the body? Or does he cut the danged thing off and save the rest of the body from death? I think you know where I'm going on this."
Many believe Obama is referring to the recent scandal involving the Governor of South Carolina, Mark Sanford's extra-marital affair that didn't cost him his governorship, as well as the recent elections where for reasons as yet unknown, an unemployed black man who has never set foot inside the political arena in his life, suddenly gets voted in as the Democratic candidate for Senate to run against Republican Jim DeMint in the November elections.
"Something is definitely smellin' in Denmark," said Obama, jokingly referring to the city of Denmark, SC as representative of the entire state. "The vitriolic criticisms that have come from the politicians of the state of South Carolina against me are a clear signal that South Carolina doesn't want to take orders from Washington. That is why I am giving them Washington's blessing to pack their stuff, and go find another government that will put up with their crap, cause my plate is just too full to mess with them anymore."
No word yet on whether or not Mark Sanford will accept the President's proposal; however, statements from both Senators Jim DeMint and Jake Knotts seem to indicate that they are entertaining the idea. Said Knotts, "Does this mean that we can put our confederate flag back up at the State Capitol?"