Elin Woods came out a big winner today with the announcement that philandering husband and golf hustler Tiger would be anteing up $750M to pay for his off the course intercourse!
GNP in Sweden surged, and stocks climbed there as well on the news.
Mathematicians employed by the Massachusetts Institute of Technology (MIT) ran some quick calculations on what Tiger's putting around cost him, after some consultation with Sex Therapist Dr. Ruth, random samplings from testimony from Monica Lewinsky, and Ashley Duprey, hooker for Client #9, former NY Governor Elliot Spitzer, and Al Gore's Massage Therapist.
Assuming 17 avowed paramours over a several year span, not including his 21 year old next door neighbor's daughter, and assuming 5 trysts as well as his impatience to get the sex over with so he could watch cartoons, the expert panel assumed it would take about 25 strokes to get Tiger off. Not included were 'Mulligans', 'Breakfast Balls" and 'gimmes' which allowed the golfer to Tee it up again if he mishit his first stoke off the tee, or not attempt any putts over 3 feet.
With a total penile stroke count of at least 2125, that brings the divorce settlement down to a mere $352,941.18 per engorged pumping piston cycle.
Considering that Tiger could win a 4 round tournament with a stroke count of 280 and win a prize of $1m, on course strokes would earn him $3,571.43 per swing.
As one long time professional golfer and conservative commentator opined, "seems like Tiger has really gotten into Obamanomics; it costs him almost $353k for each stroke off the course, but he's only earning $3600 per stroke on the course when he wins! I really think he should be cutting down on those socialist entitlement programs...they're unsustainable!"
According to Tiger's spokesman, he said the divorce is almost behind him so he can concentrate on golf again, and hopefully get laid, since he's been celibate since last Thanksgiving.
"What Tiger needs right now, "said the aide, " is a good piece of ass to act as a stimulus, and he needs to win a lot more tournaments to bring down his stroke average against alimony payments!"
Said VP Joe "bite me" Biden on hearing of the divorce settlement, " Now, THAT'S a really big F*****deal.....do you think oral sex would have been cheaper?"