The news came suddenly and without warning. The US, Osama Bin Laden, and leaders of the Taliban have reached a peace accord. The war is over!
The stock market soared, General Motors called back 7,000 workers, and contractors all over America geared up to go to Afghanistan to begin construction on gas stations, racquet ball courts, bars, massage parlors, and sex-toy emporiums.
In a joint video appearance, Osama Bin Laden was dressed in a Brooks Brother suit and clean shaven. President Barack Obama appeared, dressed in casual wear and a long walking stick. Both gentlemen smiled and addressed the cameras. Karzai was with them on stage. Obama spoke first:
"Peace through prosperity," he said and smiled. "Brother Osama and I have come to an agreement and the leaders of the Taliban have agreed. We are bringing American prosperity to the Middle East! Afghanistan will no longer be the graveyard of empires, but the parking lot for American gas guzzlers. Our first effort is to give a Cadillac Escalade to every adult male in the entire country of Afghanistan. Every woman and child will receive an ATV, and all will get a BP credit card. As we speak, contractors from across the US are gearing up to go to Afghanistan and other Middle Eastern countries to build all the things that ordinary people want. It is why they come to America. The American dream is now for you and your people. Osama, welcome Bro."
Osama spoke next: "Barack, you are one cool dude and I am pleased as punch to get out of those awful flowing robes, the damned beard with a working sparrow's nest, and a Playboy Magazine so old that the front cover had a picture of Greta Garbo on it! I can't wait to burn rubber in the new wheels."
Karzai was the last to speak. He was wearing one of his traditional outfits. "How do I look?" He turned from one side to the other. I am pleased to tell the world that this distinctive outfit is now available at all Brooks Brothers Stores around the globe. And the best news? If you can buy one, you get one free!"
In related news, the Office of Management & Budget has announced that the costs of the new "surge" are a fraction of the current costs of the wars. "A real peace dividend," said the director of the office.
Stocks soared to a new high on The New York Stock Exchange and exchanges around the globe. No new casualties have been reported today in Iraq or Afghanistan as the troops prepared to come home.