Ballston, VA: Mired amid controversy of alleged infidelity and sexual misconduct, former Vice President and prominent global warming activist, Al Gore, angrily dismissed these accusations today at a press corps luncheon.
Gore raised eyebrows by dismissing the claims that he sexually assaulted at hotel masseuse as "a baseless, politically motivated attack to mischaracterize my ongoing efforts to advance my pioneering work in developing 'the happy ending' concept in the personal massage industry."
The "Happy Ending;" a slang term of allegedly widespread practice of disreputable personal massage therapists offering sexual gratification to clients for an additional fee after performing massage services, has been condemned by law enforcement officials as a form of prostitution.
Vice President Gore, however, sees the Happy Ending as a desperately needed "value added" service to spur job growth in the troubled economy and provide needed stress relief in today's hectic lifestyle.
"Ever since my days decades ago when I layed the foundations that would become the Internet, and humped mounds upon mounds of data to discover the causes of global warming, I have worked tirelessly to bring the happy ending out of the closest and plunge it deeply into the mainstream of American culture. To claim that my ongoing research and promotion of this progressive idea is somehow a form of sexual harassment, or even assault, is as unethical as it is preposterous, and I deny it categorically."
When questioned about allegations of the masseuse claiming to have physical proof of the Vice President's actions in the form of "bodily fluids" belonging to Gore on her pants, Gore described them as "baseless." "Ha," mocked the Vice President. "You want to take a guess about how much of my bodily fluids you could find on the pant legs of the Nobel or Oscar nomination committees? There are at least 10 MSNBC anchors I have to beat off with a stick or I wouldn't have any fluids left. The presence of my fluids on her pants means nothing more than she was a willing participant in my valuable research. And, as I recall, the additional twenty I left on the nightstand proves it."
Gore closed his remarks lamenting the toll these accusations have taken on his personal life, particularly as it relates to the recent separation between himself and wife, Tipper.
"Not only have the unfair accusations injected a high level of stress into an already difficult personal situation. Before our separation, these lies brought my happy ending research almost to a complete standstill as I worked to save my marriage.
"Out of desperation I even abandoned my public study and scaled back my investigations to mere moments when I was alone in the bathroom. But even then, Tipper would some pounding on the door demanding to know if I was researching again.
"After so many interrupted sessions, I would become frustrated and shout, 'Of course I'm researching you crazy bitch, what do you think I'm going? Jerking off?' Things just went downhill from there, and I look forward to our making amends once my innocence is proved."