Written by Amethyst Ryder
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Thursday, 1 July 2010

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We're Number One: Americans agree that America is the best country in the whole wide world.

More than two-thirds of Americans surveyed agree that America is Number One on Planet Earth.

In a recent Yeehaw! poll, a random selection of Americans were asked to answer the question, "Do you agree with the statement that America is the greatest country ever?" Seventy-six percent answered in the affirmative.

"Well, duh," said Sandy Sanderson of Sandstorm, Nebraska. "Of course we are."

"What kind of a question is that?" asked Joe Plum of All American, Arizona. "Are you some kind of a socialist?"

"You don't see foreigners flocking to other foreign countries, do you," commented Mary Flaggwaver of Woodinchew, Kentucky. "That oughta tell you something, right there."

"America! Love it or leave it!" said Bud Fudd, echoed by a crowd of patrons at Bud's Beer and Balls, a sports bar in Lower Podunkia, Wisconsin.

Thirteen percent of the respondents to the survey disagreed with the question. When asked to choose among a set of clarifying statements:

  • Sixty-eight percent chose, "There's a lot to like about America, but many other countries are also good places to live"
  • Twenty-one percent selected, "America has a lot of problems, who the hell are we to be claiming superiority"
  • Nine percent said, "Other"
  • Two percent muttered sentiments along the lines of "I'm embarrassed for my country" and began to make plans for extended visits to Canada

The remaining eleven percent of the Americans surveyed could not be bothered to turn away from watching TV long enough to answer the question.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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