The School District in Provincetown, Mass. has decided to be proactive in preventing unwanted teenage (and pre-teen) pregnancy and the spread of unwanted sexually transmitted diseases. To combat these growing problems among first and second graders, teachers and school nurses will provide free condoms to any student requesting birth control.
Additionally, the district will not be required to inform the parents that the children are "requesting rubbers" and will also not honor any parent's request that their child not receive "lambskins."
Little Sally Horton, a first grader in George Washington Carver Elementary, said "thank God they don't have to tell my parents. It's been really rough on my sugar daddy and I (he's an older man in the third grade) playing rhythm method roulette."
Jack Dawson, a second grader at Isaac Newton Elementary School, said "why do they always make the man provide the birth control? Why can't they just put all the little sluts in my class on the pill and let them worry about it? They're the ones who don't want to get knocked up, so make them worry about it."
A pretty little Kindergarten child, Annie Simms, said "I've been telling my men no glove, no love for a long time. Now they won't have to spend their milk money or collect cans after school when they want to get a piece."
Predatory Pedophiles in the city were also excited by the news. One, who wished to remain anonymous (but his real name is Brad Johnstone), said "I'm glad that the kids have got access to their own birth control. That means I don't have to provide it all the time, since the little boys should have a few in their G.I. Joe lunch boxes and the little girls should keep a few in their Hello Kitty purses."
Father Francis of the local Catholic Diocese said that his church has always provided free birth control to any altar boy who requests it.