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Thursday, 24 June 2010

(June, 24, 2010 - Phoenix, AZ)... The new Arizona immigration law is causing more controversy today as it was announced earlier today by the Illegal Immigration Prevention & Apprehension Co-op Team (IIMPACT) that Phoenix Suns star and 2-time NBA MVP Steve Nash, who hails from Canada, was to be immediately deported.

The new law has sent shock waves throughout the Arizona community and the country, for its potentially controversial enforcement. Mark Spencer, president of the Phoenix Law Enforcement Association, which represents Phoenix police officers, doesn't see the problem "I support the measure because it would give local authorities the ability to better enforce the law. People are worried that "racial profiling" will increase with the bill in place; I think the "whiteness" of today's deportee will silence those critics. As my professionally trained officers have assured me, and pretty much anyone can tell just by looking at him, Steve Nash is not, in any way, brown."

However Spencer wasn't done there, he went on to proclaim "Today we have proven the Hispanic community wrong. They were all "Loco" about what this law meant to them, they were worried that our state legislators had willingly and knowingly supported a bill that would not only institutionalize, but also encourage racism. Today we proudly ask "Those People," would a bunch of racist people deport a white guy? That just doesn't make sense."

Hispanic groups around the country were outraged by the fact that they could not be outraged. One of the main opponents of the bill, Pablo Sanchez Rodriguez a part time babysitter, pool boy and landscaper, commented on the "Catch-22" "Trust me, there is nothing we would rather do then protest this decision, we want to fight the prejudice being implemented into our laws, we want to fight for equality, we want all of that. But, the guy is white for fucks sake, what are we supposed to do? It's common knowledge that you're only allowed to combat racism if its against your own race"

An obviously shaken Rodriquez went on to add "I'm not missing 20 cent Taco Wednesdays to fight for the rights of some Canadian guy. Quite frankly, I'm surprised that we've spoken for so long and not once mentioned Taco's until now"

Caucasian fans of Suns basketball were "flabbergasted" at the decision, which would strip their claim of being the only NBA Franchise whose best player was white. Billy Hicks, who has owned season tickets since the Suns "lightened up" their roster with Nash, could only describe his frustration in one way "I'm flabbergasted."

NBA Commissioner David Stern was also critical of the controversial decision. "Seriously guys? There's one star player in the league who I don't have to worry about showing up in the news for "capping" someone's ass, smoking marijuana, or "drama" stemming from an outlandish "Baby Momma" and you're going to take him away from me?" Stern was nearly in tears as he added "We can pretty much say goodbye to the ratings we were getting in Iowa and North Dakota. I'm not even pissed about the racial implications, I'm really just angry that I have to talk to Brian Cardinal again. Thanks fuckers."

Republican Senator Russell Pearce, author of the controversial bill, was unable to defend his masterwork because he could not be reached for comment. Early reports are that Pearce actually has to raise his own children now that his "Live In Nanny" Guadalupe was forced to resign due to deportation.

Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper released a statement regarding the situation, however it was essentially ignored by the American media because they had no idea who the fuck he was, and were instead opting to wait for the "President of Canada" to issue a statement.

The Sasquatchian Ice Fishermen, Nash's new Canadian basketball team, were obviously supportive of the decision. "With Nash on our squad, basketball in Canada is going to reach a new level!" exclaimed Jim Jimerson, GM of the Ice Fishermen. "We expect attendance to soar! We've already mailed out season ticket packages to Canada's 14 African American residents, and we can only assume that they're basketball fans."

When members of the media inquired as to how Mr. Nash fit the "reasonably suspicious" description required by the law to arrest an illegal alien, Arizona police made their stance clear "He's a little tiny white man who dominates giant black athletes. Explain to me how that could possibly be legal."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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