Written by Andrew Hatch
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Topics: Doctors, cancer

Wednesday, 23 June 2010

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At a recent medical conference held in Atlanta, Georgia, a consensus was reached that 83% of doctors didn't have a clue what cancer really was anyway while the other 17% were waiting to see if the health care reform would cover this question.

After 25 minutes of an impressive show of jargon- knowledge (a common way for MD's to establish dominance within the group) the resulting Alpha-physician declared that the assembly should break off in groups of 4-5 and come up with at least 3 possible ways to cure cancer. Doctors were encouraged to work with doctors they didn't usually work with and assign their groups cool code names. From there the best two ideas would be taken and combined to make the new cure "doubly" good.

The two winning teams were the "Awesome Amoebas" and the "Vaccine Cowboys" who respectively came up with the sayings "Let's give them a taste of their own medicine" and "Fight fire with fire".

This revolutionary new cancer treatment involves injecting cancer cells with cancer. Though this technique has not been medically proven or tested Scientists are sticking to it with gusto.

"Sending cancer into cancer cells is like the Trojan horse of the body. One second they'll think their cousins are in town and BAM! Next thing they know their all malignant." ~Dr. William Greaty

"In my opinion this is a fool proof cure. You're dying of cancer? No problem, here is a little bit more cancer! If the dude dies we aren't liable, he had cancer before he came in. If we give him extra cancer and he doesn't die we cured him of cancer TWICE."
~Dr. Henry Toffee Bagel

"Its like killing two birds with one stone really. Except you're killing one bird with another identical bird that also dies in the process." ~Dr. Phil

"Nobody wants cancer, especially other cancers. It's like having an annoying relative move in, eventually they'll drive you insane and you'll either move out our kill him." ~Murderer

"You can lead a horse to water and feed him for a day, but if you teach a horse to fish its benign!" ~ Confused homeless man

Could this new wonder cure be the answer to all our anti-cancer needs? Doctors seem to think so. Trust them, they went to school for a long time.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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