The Barack Obama Administration has created a new "Patient's Bill Of Rights" to go with their new health care system. Their bill of rights describes how patients deserve to be treated by health care workers and professionals and by their insurance provider.
When asked why this was necessary, Death Squad Czar Jack Kevorkian said that "The American people still need some ability to control their own health care. This list, which will be posted in all doctor's offices, clinics, and hospitals across the country, lists their powers of control over their health issues."
Kevorkian added that "Patients will not have the right to choose the members of their death squad, as this will be chosen from leaders of the local ACORN agency and Democratic Party Committee."
"People should also realize that this does not apply to those from Kenya or illegal aliens, as they will recieve immediate health care that is predicated upon their voting to keep us in office."
The new "Patient's Bill of Rights" will become effective immediately and people should expect to see the results of this on their next doctor's visit (if one is permitted).
The Patient's Bill of Rights
- You have the right to be seen by a doctor of your choice (as long as that choice is made from an approved list that we provide).
- You have the right to be seen by a doctor of your choice (as the doctor chosen will be required to look at you or a picture of you, but still may never provide any treatment).
- You have the right to see the names of all care givers in your area (since everyone gets a new phone book delivered annually).
- You have the right to be advised of your possible courses of treatment (even though we will only pay for the one we choose as it will cost the least amount of money).
- You have the right to schedule your appointments at a time convenient to you (as long as that time falls within a twelve hour window on the day that we choose).
- You have the right to receive emergency medical treatment at any time (as long as you understand it may be provided by a Boy Scout with a first aid kit and a merit badge).
- You have the right to be treated by medical professionals in a language that you understand (though their accents may almost seem indecipherable).
- You have the right to be treated with dignity and respect (as long as you are not fat, ugly, smelly, hairy, flat chested, or Republican).
- You have the right to privacy and to maintain the privacy of your medical records (as most internet log-ins require some kind of password).
- You have the right to remain silent (Yes, this sounds like a Miranda warning, so sit down, shut up, bend over, and spread your butt cheeks).