Written by Aubergine Underwood
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Topics: Cats, Arizona

Sunday, 20 June 2010

image for Let the Caterwauling Begin: Arizona Enacts Cat Leash Law

Area 52, AZ -- Not content with arresting residents for driving while Mexican, the State of Arizona announced recently that it had enacted a cat leash law requiring all cats to be kept on a very short leash.

"For too long cats have been allowed to roam freely, killing the wildlife population indiscriminately and turning Arizona into one giant litter box," a spokesperson for the Governor's office stated. "We are currently launching a public relations campaign called 'Cats Leashed!'"

Predictably, the new law has sparked a hissing contest among various advocate groups who gathered today outside the state capitol building in Phoenix.

Waving a placard with the slogan "Arrest Illegals, Not Cats!", bleached blond protester Ms. Pussy Willow questioned whether police should waste their time arresting unleashed cats. "I mean, like, where are they going to put them. Arizona jails are already filled to overflowing with drug dealing illegals. Are they going to waste our tax dollars building special jails for cats?"

President of the Arizona Feline Fanciers Association and intrepid videographer, Patricia C. Catz stated that "This is a really bad idea. It is virtually impossible to train a cat to walk on a leash. If you've ever tried it, you'll see that all they do is roll on the floor and fight the leash. Unlike dogs, cats are far too intelligent and independent to accept being restrained in this manner. By the way," she added, "I am currently making a tribute video entitled 'Cats: The Superior Pet.'"

Some of the protesters interviewed by this reporter feel that the solution to the problem of free roaming cats is to keep them indoors. Philbert Q. Tweety of the American Bird Conservancy (ABC) said that his organization has supported a public education campaign known as "Cats Indoors!" since 1997. "It is our objective to safeguard native wild birds from predatory felines. Scientists estimate that cats living outdoors kill approximately one million birds per day. Wildlife populations are already struggling to survive loss of habitat, pesticides, and polllution without the additional stress of uncontrolled cats. We feel that keeping outdoor cats indoors is a win-win solution in the long term."

The most extreme viewpoint was expressed by irate resident Emile Koenig who stated that he feels cats are the most vile, disgusting, treacherous creatures. "I have complained to city officials numerous times about my neighbor's two cats who are turning my flower beds into a litter box. (Ed: Flower beds = four half-dead coleus plants.) As far as I am concerned, all cats should be exterminated. Period. End of discussion."

And so the caterwauling continues. None of the groups are willing to compromise by so much as a whisker.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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