Keifer Sutherland publicly stepped out of reality on Nationwide TV yesterday, claiming that he would wake up tomorrow as Jack Bauer, his '24' alter ego, and solve the crisis in under "60 minutes", give or take an commercial break.
However, it can be revealed that due to contractual obligations with Fox, Sutherland will have to actually take 24 hours in total to complete any task in the next five year period. Last week it took him a day to check the oil in his car.
But despite this legal stranglehold, Sutherland was confident.
"Walk in the park" whispered Keifer, jumping off Oprah's couch, "Without the CTU pulling me back, involving me all sorts of meandering sub plot crap, I'll have it wrapped in no time".
Sutherland called upon the BP and Obama to "let him at it".
"Mr President", he smouldered into Oprah's Studio camera no.3, " You're looking at the face of the man who eats crisisseses, erm, crisii, er, catastrophes for breakfast. Get a chopper on my lawn tomorrow morning, a black t-shirt and a shoulder holster, and I'll put this S.O.B. to sleep once and for all."