WASHINGTON (AP) Following the decision by a federal judge in Florida refusing to order the reinsertion of a feeding tube into brain-damaged Terry Schiavo, President George W. Bush is considering his next move.
The ruling in Tampa by U.S. District Judge James Whittemore came after Congress and President Bush enacted legislation early Monday to allow federal courts to review the controversial case.
Vice President Dick Cheney is meeting with the president and is trying to explain all the various options available to the Commander-in-Chief. "Dick, do you mean we could just send in the Marines and rescue that retard?" asked Bush. Cheney appeared a bit annoyed at the president and spent the next 20 minutes explaining how Terry Schiavo was not a retard.
"Mr. President, Terry Schiavo represents the best chance our Republican Party has to gain seats in the upcoming mid-tem elections --she is not a retard - maybe a little on the slow side, but we need to consider every option we have in order to keep this woman alive. We just cannot allow those Christian nut cases to think that we don't value life."
"Well Dick," said President Bush, "how about if we just send that woman a nice big box of those Little Debbie Swiss Cake Rolls. Whenever I eat a package of those things, I get real thirsty. That Shiavo woman would eat one or two and then take a big glass of water--- all by herself. Then she won't need that silly feeding tube!"
"No, Mr. President, I don't think Little Debbie is going to do the trick this time. I think it's time we start considering all our options now. You know, we have the Army and the Marines…"
"Now, Dick, said the president breaking into a big smile, "Now yer talking! I love it whenever you come up with some new place we can invade! Why didn't I think of that? Can we use the Delta Force this time? Please? Pretty please? We have all those helicopters and night vision crap… it would be so much fun! Uhh.. Dick, what would we do with this Terry Schiavo once we got her out of that hospital?"
FT. BRAGG, North Carolina - There was a reported sudden flurry of activity at Ft. Bragg late this morning as all non-essential personnel were escorted off base. Rumors are spreading that an instant deployment of some type is underway.