A Utah funeral director somberly reduced the badly-decomposing body of Lilliputian-scale actor Gary Coleman to a thimble's-worth of ashes today, finally bringing some dignity to a life that was lead almost completely devoid of it.
Coleman's coffin, an orange Nike sneakers box (Air Force Ones, size 9 wide, for those that are interested) was set ablaze "in accordance with Mr. Coleman's desires as expressed in his Will, that no funeral service, wake, or other ceremony that no one would've shown up to be conducted," said a court appointed attorney from Dewey, Cheatem and Howe. "And contrary to earlier reports, the funeral director did not douse Gary's ex-wife with carburetor cleaner and light her on fire, not that there isn't just cause to do so.
Fans will recall that a judge delayed the cremation until Anna Gray, Coleman's ex-girlfriend, could view the body to try to wring out a few dollars and/or a bit of fleeting fame for herself.
In a rare statement from God, we've learned that Gary will spend eternity kicking himself in his own ass, presumably for marrying horse-faced golddigger Shannon Price.