MSNBC commentator Rachel Maddow bitch-slapped Obama's speech to the nation regarding the BP oil spill and delivered the speech she would have liked to have heard, officially getting all up in her own ass.
"We've been worried about the possibility for some time," said one MSNBC producer who declined to be identified. "Despite Maddow's reputation of sound and thorough research with a tolerable liberal bent, last night's apparently meth-infused, annoyingly repetitive tirade shoved that reputation so far up her own colon, it may NEVER again see the light of day."
While the "rewrite" got favorable reviews in some circles, intellectuals interested in pragmatic solutions rather than angry rhetoric were less than impressed. Many suggested that as frustrating as the tepid response from the President was, it did contain something Maddow's rewrite did not: a bigger picture.
"Frankly, without the oil that deep sea drilling provides, Maddow would have to buy a donkey and ride her fat ass all the way down to Grand Isle for her self-serving posturing," said one laid-off rig worker. "Certainly, the use of words like 'renewable energy sources' plays well with the tree-huggers, but when you get down to the nut-cutting, you can't drive a car on wind power...unless you've got a sail and a blow-hard like Maddow on the roof...heh, heh, heh!"
Those on the other side of the issue appear similarly deluded.
"The gap between rhetoric and reality is getting wider and wider," said BP Chairman Tony Haywood. "What makes you think we can create the technology to fix a problem of this magnitude next week when we've been ignoring it for 25 years? Geez, you little people. Think outside the top-hat!"
Haywood went on to say that once people get tired of wearing out their hush-puppies walking after the price of gasoline goes to $10 gallon, they'll be willing to forgive and forget, just like a bad marriage.
The interview was cut short, however, as a boatload of ruined Cajun fishermen with guns approached the shore reportedly looking for a "Louisiana Divorce" from BP.
In all honesty, they probably could have gotten one, too, if they hadn't tipped off BP officials with that banjo playing.
World renowned philosopher and New Orleans tarot reader Leroi Akabacha described the breakdown in communication and rationality in the wake of the oil disaster at a press conference.
"What we have here is a failure to communicate," said the tarot reader, fanning himself with a large brimmed hat. "You have no solution versus bad solution. Building barrier islands in the middle of hurricane season...bad solution. Cutting oil supplies in the midst of a crisis...bad solution. Doing nothing and making the Gulf one big dead-zone...well, that's no f_cking solution at all!"
Leroi went on to describe the moratorium view versus the continued drilling view as a classic moral paradox.
"If God can do anything, can he make a rock too heavy for him to pick up? Likewise, if you don't drill, how you gonna fuel the clean-up? If you DO drill, how you gonna clean-up the f_ck-up?"
The ever clever and self-amusing Maddow addressed Leroi's statement by having him on her show and presenting a question of her own: "If you're such a world renown philosopher, then what is the sound of one hand clapping?" Rachel smugly asked. "Before she could complete her mocking with a satirical snort, Leroi reached across the desk and slapped her hard across the face. "Something like that, smart-ass!" he replied. Then mugging for the camera, he signed off with, "Look at me, I'm a fake talking head!"
Maddow declined to press charges after noting it's the first time she's been hit on by a man in years. Buh-Dump-Bump!