(KRS NEWS) Thursday, Nokia unveiled their newest product response to the rapid gains in market share by Apple's iPhone and Sprint's newest 4G EVO model introductions.
Introduced to a frenzied and feverish cabal of tech media reporters, Nokia lasciviously exposed the moaning assembly to their newest competitive answer to the Apple hegemony, The Ecstasy phone.
Carefully crafted in the finest quality of medical silicone to confer virtual complete waterproofing and contamination from any other conceivable infiltrates, the Ecstasy sports an advanced induction speaker-microphone system. Rather than requiring the purchase of an additional Bluetooth hands free accessory, the Ecstasy is designed to be inserted into appropriate orifices.
Taking a quantum leap over the touch screen data entry modality, the Nokia Ecstasy functions completely from voice commands, with internal software to equalize possible commands being generated from excessive consumption of legumes or amoebic dysentery. Demonstrating the clarity of the speaker microphone setup on the phone, using large speakers in the auditorium, the audience consensus was one of deep and penetrating amazement.
Taffy LaDong, reporter for Techie Toys Magazine told this reporter, "Jeez, hands free and it sounds like my Sugar Daddy is standing right next to me in the stall at 37,000 feet. This product really excites me. Are you busy for the next ten minutes? I just became aware of an opening that's available. I'm sure I could just slide you in."
The Ecstasy also comes standard with a seriously enhanced vibration notification mode, designed to woo the female segment of the market. PR manager Veronica au Trois, of the Las Vegas relaxation spot Plato's Retreat, was heard screaming upon receipt of her first call on the Ecstacy. " I gotta have one of these today - this thing is better than any of my sixteen boyfriends, four girlfriends and my collection of battery operated pleasure partners," Ms. au Trois was overheard saying to bystanders.
Additionally, the Ecstasy carries a 12 megapixel IR/UV and visible spectrum camera. This innovation makes the Ecstasy phone the first cell phone to make PAP smears and prostate exams obsolete. When properly installed and directed, the phone will send high resolution photographs to your personal urologist or gynecologist for analysis wirelessly. Nokia product development exec Sven Ole Lox, told the attendees that "The revolutionary design of the Ecstasy will not only please our customers, but it will save countless lives and reduce the budgetary imbalance of ObamaCare."
When reporters questioned Mr. Lox as to the anticipated suggested retail price tag of the Ecstasy, he advised that with a five year online subscription to www.anyandallpornueverwant.org and a proof of purchase receipt of ten gallons of Kama Sutra Oil, new buyers will have an initial outlay of less than $22.00 upon activation.
"Our carefully compiled marketing plan of responsible sponsorship for this earth shaking introduction enables us to offer the Ecstasy to virtually every man, woman and adolescent on the planet. We fully anticipate first year production to exceed ten million units in the US alone. We are also promulgating a fleet plan."
Mr. Lox was then overtaken with what appeared to be fine motor tremors of the lower extremities, uncontrollable rapid eye blinking and Cheyne-Stokes respiration. "Excuse me, I have a call coming," chortled the executive. ""By the way, the Ecstasy comes in two very appealing colors; Anatomical Pink and Scatological Grey. TTFN."