The reports were few as to the details of the Obama/BP meeting yesterday. The closed door meeting was attended by only a few, but one attendee speaking on condition of anonymity did leak some details to Dylan Ratigan of MSNBC.
Evidentially, according to the report, it was a tense encounter in the beginning. The two men brusquely shook hands and Obama spoke first: "Bro, we don't have to take a long time to solve this, I have a very busy day, and I don't have to tell you that you have really mucked up. I want twenty billion dollars from you,I want it now, and we will control its disbursement."
The BP executive's face grew red, he clenched his fists, and replied, "Now wait just one jolly good minute old chap, this is BP you are talking to and if you can't talk civilly, we will just get on the bloody jet and wing on home."
At this point, the insider reports, Obama drew a switchblade out of his pocket. The blade was so sharp, you couldn't tell where it started and ended. Obama quickly drew it across the man's throat and stepped back.
"Hah, old chap, you didn't touch me," said the BP exec. Obama replied, "Try looking at your feet old chap. I think you'll find that your head will fall off!"
Obama continued, "I want twenty billion dollars, I want it now, and we will accept no less."
"Ten billion," the BP exec replied.
"Twenty or you will be wearing your guts for garters."
"OK, we will go fifteen billion and that's that," BP responded.
"Twenty or we will turn Buckingham Palace into a parking lot and set the English Channel on fire like the Cuyahoga River."
"Eighteen and that is our last offer."
"Twenty or we tell the entire world that when you guys are awakened in the middle of the night, you talk just like we do!"
OK," Obama said, "now go out to The Rose Garden, and apologize to the American public with tears in your eyes. There is a blackboard there. On it, you will write, one hundred times, "We will never muck with America again."
"Yes sir, Mr. President," the executive said, and turned to leave. Obama stopped him.
BP exec: "Yes sir?"
Obama: "Tony, get that neck taken care of. You look like shit!"