A "warning from the Lord" was revealed this week in Monroe, Ohio, says a minister in nearby Ohnoes. Touchdown Jesus, a 60-foot plastic foam and fiberglass statue with arms raised high like a football referee, went up in smoke on June 14 when lightning struck the signaling savior.
"It's no coincidence that this happened during the Worldly Cup of so-called football," said Pastor Owen Hatt of Be Very Afraid and Rejoice Church. "The Lord in his holiness cannot abide that perversion of red-blooded American football, and America's participation in it."
"Soccer, that which is called 'football' by non-Americans, is a product of the backslidden degradation of secularized Europe," explained Youth Minister Rolin Holley. "That America has come to embrace it in recent times just goes to show how very far America has fallen away from God and away from its divine mission to be a city on a hill, a light to the world, shining above the world, not descending into its depths of depravity."
Would Jesus really be partial about American sports?
"Jesus is an American. Everyone knows that," said Glory Bea Gates, a member of Pastor Hatt's congregation.
"A red-blooded, football-loving, Republican-voting, God-fearing American," added her husband Earl E. Gates. "Well, he don't fear himself, of course. But I've made my point."
"It's yet another manifestation of the New World Order," said Pastor Hatt. "No doubt the Illuminati's behind it all. Just listen to those devil horns."