Written by MGmirkin
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Wednesday, 16 June 2010

After an hours-long standoff outside a hospital in Southwestern Ohio, it appears that the much beloved icon "Touchdown Jesus" has died from wounds inflicted by local police and sheriffs' deputies, as well as a National Guard unit that was called to the scene to assist.

The standoff began in the middle of a dark and stormy night on Monday, June 14th, the year of our Lord 2010. Reports are spotty and still rolling in from onlookers who witnessed the carnage.

Apparently, "Touchdown Jesus" was a much beloved local celebrity in the form of a 6-story tall statue of our Lord and saviour.

Initial reports indicate that Touchdown Jesus was spotted by several concerned citizens, as he was bellowing piteously and dragging himself down the Interstate toward a populated part of town.

It was apparent from onlookers that Touchdown Jesus was very badly burned and in poor health. Some spectators also reported a distinct aroma of ozone, likely indicative that he had been struck by a powerful bolt of lightning.

As police arrived on the scene, Touchdown Jesus was seen pulling himself over a barricade separating the Interstate from local schools, hospitals and residential neighborhoods.

Police and sheriffs all commanded Touchdown Jesus to halt and give himself up to their custody, but it is our understanding that he refused, and continued to drag himself onward.

Police and sheriffs then opened fire as his progress threatened several schools in his path, and eventually a hospital.

While the bullets seemingly ricocheted off his fiberglass skin and exposed metal skeleton (which has been ruled the likely cause of the lightning strike), Touchdown Jesus did seem to slow down as his foam innards were stripped away, no doubt causing him to go into shock.

Finally, a National Guard unit was called to the scene to help deal with the unruly statue.

Touchdown Jesus was nearing Solid Rock Hospital when the police, sheriff and National Guard cooperative taskforce confronted the abomination in a show of solidarity. They threw all they had at the grotesquely deformed Touchdown Jesus, including automatic weapons fire, grenades and finally a rocket launcher.

In the end, a twisted corpse was all that remained of Touchdown Jesus. Bystanders said that bits of foam guts and fiberglass skin were scattered everywhere, with little remaining attached to the corpse's mangled black metal skeleton.

One bystander called the attack a gross violation of the trust engendered by law-enforcement officers, "It was abominable, I tell you!" In tears, she proclaimed, "this was a loving representation of God's only begotten son! They should have at least tried to help the poor dear. It's quite clear that He was in considerable agony after having been struck by lightning and burned alive. How would you feel if law enforcement and the military stood between you and the life-saving medical attention you required?" Overcome by tears, she waved off cameras and this reporter, retreating from the scene.

Asked for comment on the slaying, Sergeant Willie Kilchrist with the county Sheriff's office had the following to say, "We did our jobs. The suspect continued to advance and put many lives in danger after having been instructed to cease and desist. Aside from which, frankly, it was like fighting a monster. Like one of those things you see in the movies, six-stories long, with a metal skeleton, burnt and still smoking. It just kept coming, even as we fired on it with heavy arms. In the end, we had to make the decision to put it down."

Truly, this tragedy has already shocked a small midwestern town... Wait, northeastern you say? Well, I'll get clarification on that. Suffice it to say, somewhere in the heartland of this great Nation, a tragedy of biblical proportions is unfolding. Townsfolk are already in mourning for the brutal slaying of this beloved friend and Saviour...

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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