Jakarta - Susilo Bambang Yudhoyono, president of Indonesia has designated 15 elementary schools in and around downtown Jakarta to immediately stop all academic activities and begin full time in the processing the black ink and fabric required to make the famous black Gap tee shirts (men's small) for Anderson Cooper.
President Yudhoyono said that the children will take part in both the collection and harvesting of squid ink, and spend all day weaving cotton and silk to keep up with Anderson's heavy demand for the tees. "The children will be compensated very well by receiving a bucket of leftover squid carcasses and allowed to keep all the dead silk worms for stir fry" said Yudhoyono.
"If he doesn't get his Gap tee shirt changed in time before the cameras start rolling, there will be hell to pay", says CNN Executive, Connie Formaty. Anderson has strict hygiene and contractual requirements for wearing only the best fitted tee shirts made by overseas child labor. Anderson currently has a mobile command dressing room right there on the sand for him to pop in and change tees for nearly every CNN segment.
Gap Spokesperson, Cal Causian commented that the sale of the black tee has increased nearly 4% since Anderson has been on Gulf shoreline whining like a little tyrant. "We are genuinely pleased with Anderson's selection of the Gap brand and look forward to squeezing ever percent of margin out of those poor little Asian kids - besides, it's not like they would utilize education anyway", Cal continued.
Anderson's handlers are currently working with analysts to formulate a new color of tee shirt that matches the unique brown gelatinous Goo that is washing up on the Gulf shoreline. Anderson hopes to promote and sell this new environmentally savvy color 'Gulf Goo' and donate the proceeds to the children of Jakarta. "I'd really like to give something back to all those little children who are overseas sewing and packing my tee shirts for 18 hours a day" said Anderson.
The first Gulf Goo swatch samples were provided to Anderson but were quickly rejected because of an unpleasant smell. It was later discovered that to achieve the color of Gulf Goo, the children had to use fermented squid carcasses. Anderson stormed off to his mobile command dressing room ranting about the quality issue with the children and said he'll have to reconsider the squid carcass clause.