Birmingham, MI - Racial relations in the United States of America took a major twist early Tuesday morning, as Rachel Barker, a high school student from Birmingham who had recently "Gone Black," made the unprecedented decision to "Go Back" to dating white guys. Barker, who sources say clearly has a "Donk" did not shy away from the controversy, and was eager to explain her stance to the media and confused scientists who hypothesized that the only justification for a move like this would be that she has a really small vagina and has a difficult time dealing with monstrous, almost comedically large cocks.
However, Barker insisted that just wasn't the case "It's not about the sex, haha, trust me, it's really, really not about the sex. It honestly, couldn't be less about the sex." As the group of reporters urged her to explain herself, Barker elaborated "It was really nice for a while, and when it started, I totally understood where the phrase came from, I never planned on going back. It's just, I don't smoke blunts, I find Tyler Perry movies to be an embarrassment to all races and I really wasn't affected by the death of Michael Jackson. Those factors, a long with the fact that I think OJ did it and my dads name is Mordecai, really helped me realize that I just wasn't ready to be somebody's 5-Star Bitch."
She wasn't done there "I want to be the wife of a Senator, or a Doctor, and sure that COULD happen, but it's much more likely that I'll end up divorced and taking my kids over to their dad's house to play with children from his other 'Wifey's.' I'm just not ready to have the talk with my children where I explain why all of their ½ brothers and sisters are of a different race but still have the same amazing hair. Damn, Marcus did have the best fucking hair."
NAACP Vice President Jamal Jefferson-Jackson released a brief public statement about the "tragedy." In it, he mentions that Barker "should have known what she was getting into, if you start dating somebody because they made a boisterous comment about your derriere through the window of a car with 24 inch rims while blasting that new 'Jeezy,' then you have to be aware that one day you're going to look at his phone and find that he's been texting pictures of his dick to other women. I blame Barker for not doing her research."
Peter Miller, Founder & President of the It's Not the Size of the Boat, But The Motion In the Ocean Foundation, a non-profit organization that encourages the "white" lifestyle, was ecstatic at the results, mentioning that today's events were like "The exact opposite of voting a black guy into the Oval Office."
"It feels good, it feels really good. It's kinda like being on the playground as a kid, there's absolutely no reason you should get picked first with so many other guys out there. They're taller, bigger, faster, they have more stamina, their muscles are more toned and they have an overwhelmingly intimidating confidence, but for some reason, on this day, we were picked, did ya hear that dad? We got picked first for the team, so fuck you!" Miller added, before having an emotional breakdown about his father not loving him even though he had provided him with the job, house and car he has now.
Continuing his trend of controversial statements. Lamar "GuapaholicPoloSwagYallAintFuckinWitMeBet" Johnson, Ambassador of Hood Relations, stated that "Anybody fuckin with snow bunnies was a bitch ni (Expletive Deleted to Protect Caucasian Employees) anyway." Snow bunnies could not be reached for comment.
Of course no discussion of anything that even has a little bit to do with race could be complete without taking time out of Barack Obama's day to make him deal with stupid bullshit that is irrelevant to the progress and prosperity of America. Obama, who recently proved that he was racist by checking only the "Black" box on his census instead of the "Mixed Race" option, immediately gathered every voluptuous white woman in an interracial relationship and redistributed them to ugly white men. This would not only be the "fair" and socialist way to do things, Obama explained, but it would also assure that nobody would ever contend for his title as "Greatest Mulatto of All Time."