Written by Dan Barash
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Topics: Alcohol, Florida

Saturday, 19 March 2005

image for Spring Break Binge Drinking Causes Florida Alcohol Shortage
Please tell me you're kidding about the beer shortage.

Heavier than expected binge drinking by spring break partiers has lead to alcohol shortages throughout Florida. Excessive consumption of spirits is at the core of spring break festivities for the millions of college students who flock to Florida each year. But liquor stores and bars were unprepared for the massive imbibing of the first wave of spring break kids. Shelves are empty throughout the Sunshine State, and the finger pointing has begun.

Beaches on the east coast, normally overrun with happy young people, are full of grim sourpusses. "This sucks," groused Emilee Thompson, a junior at Purdue. "It's noon and I'm still sober. And the worst part is that I left my ecstasy at home." Her friend Kassie Curtis agreed. "I was hoping I could look back on this week and not remember a damn thing. But now I'll probably remember every dull moment."

The shortage impacts the primary motivation behind all spring break vacations; sex with strangers. Matt Wilson, a freshman from Ohio State, worries he may return to campus unfulfilled. "If I need to rely on my personality to get girls, I'm in deep, deep trouble," he said.

Bar owners report that sales are down sharply from previous years. "You can't put on a wet t-shirt contest without beer," said bartender Slappy Maxiola. "We had to settle for a cutest smile contest, and it's just not as much fun."

The lack of alcohol has lead to tension between the vacationers and Florida's large retired population. Sunbelt retirees spend the majority of their time playing shuffleboard and getting totally faced. "It's bad enough those kids get a lot more sex than we do," complained 87-year-old Ernie Schimdt. "But now they've sucked the whole state dry too." Heavy street fighting was reported in Vero Beach as young and old fought over the last case of Peppermint Schnapps in the county.

Retailers claim the state government was unprepared for the shortage and has been slow to respond. Yesterday Governor Jeb Bush finally declared a state of emergency in 12 coastal counties. He also called out the National Guard to deliver badly needed Budweiser and Jack Daniels from neighboring states. Bush told residents to be prepared to evacuate if the booze shortage does not break. "I know Florida's citizens are very reluctant to leave their homes," he said. "But evacuation may be the only way to get martinis to the people who so desperately need them."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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