Randy Jackson, the man who has been farting into the rightmost judge's chair since American Idol began defiling the airwaves in 1933, and who allegedly tea-bagged Ryan Seacrest on more occasions than he can count, has been rushed via really, really big helicopter to UCLA Medical Center with chest pains.
The helicopter, a Bell 2840, was engineered exclusively to carry returning Space Shuttles to Cape Canaveral, Florida from Johnson AFB in Houston, Tx. The 2840 was also used to get Aretha Franklin to and from concerts.
Jackson, 384 lbs., rose to fame as What's Happening star Fred "Rerun" Berry's stunt double, and then played bass with some people and maybe produced a hit song or two.
For far more years than anyone cares to remember, he's been judging a second-rate Karaoke show on Fox, saying things like, "Yo, you brought it, dawg." "That's the sound, Dawg," and, "Yo, Paula, you need to suck it like you dyin', and the antidote's in there, dawg!"
Season 1 co-host Brian Dunkleman had this to say: "Hey, hey, you. Come here, man. Listen, I'll let you in the third input for $10.00. Hey, come on, man! I haven't eaten in 3 days."
If Randy dies he'll be survived by his sister, Oprah Winfrey, and her husband, Gayle King.
Randy would have been - - - Wait, what?
Sources reveal that it was Michael Jackson's brother Randy that has been hospitalized, not that fat retard from American Idol. Having learned this, I'll hold off on my "they found a cheeseburger where his heart should be" line of jokes until the funnier Randy Jackson keels over.