Cincinnati, OH. - A six story tall statue of Jesus thought to have been destroyed by lightening in the small town of Monroe last night was seen instead this morning crawling south on Interstate Seventy-One.
The sculpture, 62 feet tall and 40 feet wide at the base, showed Jesus from the torso up and was nicknamed Touchdown Jesus because of the way the arms were raised, similar to a referee signaling a touchdown.
Ohio State Trooper Sergeant Ida Kickem described the scene as absolute bedlam. "He, Jesus, or whatever it is, is crawling along on its arms, pulling itself down the interstate," according to the Sergeant whose radio signals were picked by police scanners in news rooms around western Ohio. "If we're gonna stop this guy I'm gonna need backup and a bigger pair of cuffs."
By mid mourning several news helicopters could be seen hovering as the Jesus statue crawled slowly into downtown Cincinnati, breaking off large chunks of fiberglass as he did which caused dozens of the various Ohio municipalities police cars, all with blue lights flashing, to swerve like drunk drivers.
Fox TV Station WRNG's crack news reporter Sarah Playin narrated the scene as she broadcast live from one helicopter, "I can see Jesus from here, and it's beyond all words, even for me."
Clearing her throat Playin continued, "I've never seen anything like before this in my life. Jesus has traffic stopped in both directions and now people are waving at him from the overpasses, trying to get his attention or to give him encouragement. And it's a hot day out there too. It must be ninety-five degrees or more and the people in the cars and Jesus himself must be getting thirsty by now…for God's sake won't somebody please give the Jesus statue a drink of water!"
"Wait a minute now," Playin interrupted, "A man has just jumped out of a car that was stuck in traffic headed north and now he's running across the median towards the Jesus statue. He's got something in his hand. Is it water? No, no, I don't thing so. Get a close-up of that guy. It looks now like he's got a cell phone and he's talking into it and waving at our camera. Oh hell, it's someone who just wanted to get on TV."
At that very moment the man with the cell phone could be heard live across the nation on all the competing news channels. "I've got Jesus with me," he said as he ran along beside Jesus. "He says to quit following him around for crying out loud. He's says he's just leaving Ohio for greener pastures. And he also says to quite watching so much reality TV and to get a real life."
And just like that, all the TV's in the nation suddenly went black. As for Jesus, we can only assume he continued on towards greener pastures.