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Topics: Oil, bp, Kevin Costner

Tuesday, 15 June 2010

image for BP issues letter of intent to buy 32 centrifugal oil-and-water separators (COWS) from inventor Kevin Costner
BP buys Costner's invention to prevent Waterworld II

Pensacola Florida - Actor Kevin Costner's oil-spill device has all the approval it needs to scoop the goop from the Gulf of Mexico, but is waiting for money from BP, according to the actor and his business partner. BP has issued a letter of intent to buy 32 centrifugal oil-and-water separators (COWS), Costner said Thursday. His company, Ocean Therapy Solutions, was ramping up its operations to ship 24 Oil COWS to the Gulf of Mexico once BP actually sends the money.

Costner began working on the novel way of sifting oil spills while making his Hollywood maritime belly flop, "Waterworld," released in 1995. Costner has spent nearly $24 million of his own money (go ahead-laugh) on this technology. He bought the technology, originally developed with help from the Department of Energy, after the 1989 Exxon Valdez disaster, and turned it over to a team of scientists and engineers for fine-tuning as a tax shelter to offset the ridiculous amount of money he attained from marginal movies such as the Bodyguard, Dances with Wolves, and Field of Dreams. Costner commented, "Well if I didn't do something like this, I'd end up like Wesley Snipes with the IRS giving me a daily colonic - fortune has been on my side".

Ocean Therapy Solutions officials acknowledged that full implementation of the Oil COWS may depend on how quickly BP pays for the 32 units it committed to Wednesday. The company's largest oil COWS machine - The Udder 9000 -- sells for about $500,000, an amount Costner suggested "equivalent to the BP CEO's monthly salary". Tony Hayward, CEO of BP, was questioned about the relative salary and offered no comment, but rather gave a mixed sheepish look of pity. Hayward later did say, "We are pleased with this unusual opportunity to aid the Gulf disaster and prevent Costner from making Waterworld II".

Gulf coast residents applaud the help from Hollywood and are asking if more celebrities can lend a helping hand to the folks who are left indigent because of the oil spill impact. Lynnwood Skinnerd, Alabama coast fisherman said, "We like to see maybe Angelina Jolie or maybe even that Lady Gaga guy come down to help us with this sloppy mess." Lynnwood is a 5th generation shrimper and a part time taxidermist who is trying to support his love of truck pulling, 3 ex-wives, 2 girlfriends and 17 children ranging from 6 months to 32 years old. All are currently on Federal aid and welfare programs and have none of their natural teeth, leaving them all horrendously speech impaired. (and Yes, there is a Government grant for Truck Pulling so piss off!).

Besides the Oil COWS, Ocean Therapy Solutions is looking to scale the famous Shamwow as a secondary device used to soak up any of the residual oil left behind the oil COWS. The giant Shawows will be towed behind each commercial fisherman vessel like an aquatic-diaper. The Shamwow is technically a superior German product, and as such, will efficiently remove all the brown sloppy goo. This brown goo will then be transported to Gulf ports where it will be processed into cooking oil for BP Shrimp and giant off road truck tires to support the truck pulling events in the Southeast. Giddiyup Lynnwood!

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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