Written by Tawdry Soup
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Topics: Rap, Jobs, interview

Tuesday, 15 June 2010

image for White Boy Hip-Hopper Rhymes Way Through Job Interview

19 year old white boy and Hip Hop fan, Josh Milton, feels like good things are headed his way. He successfully completed an interview for his first real job after impressing the interviewer by punctuating the answer to each question with a series of rhymes and rapper hand gestures.

For example, when asked by the interviewer, 52 year old Donna Wilson, where he was from, Milton didn't say anything, he simply "threw up his sets," which involves holding up three fingers to form an "E" to show he is from the East Side, although he is from a wealthy suburb north of Chicago.

When the interviewer asked the next question, "Why do you want to work at Flip Flop's Car Wash?" Milton stood up and began making drum and choo-choo train noises into his left hand fist, a practice known as "beat boxing," and doing the "Mos Def Wave" with his right hand. This is done by moving the right hand up and down and side to side with the palm facing downward and fingers together. After about twenty seconds of this, he rhymed, "My name be Milton, first name be Josh, you gotta car dat need a wash, don't look no mo jus look at me when I be slappin dat ass with a squeaky cham-ee." He then slapped his chest over his heart and flashed the interviewer the hand sign for "I Love You" which is done by holding up your hand, palm out and closing the second and ring finger over the palm, leaving the thumb extended. He sat down, slouched way back in his chair, looked at the interviewer with half-closed eyes and began stroking his feeble goatee. Then he began opening and closing his thighs repeatedly as if daring the interviewer to look at his crotch.

The interviewer, obviously impressed, asked Milton if he had previous experience. Milton jumped up, raised his right hand with first and second fingers pointed, and after a few blows in the beat box, the hand came down in the first of a number of "Slim Shady Chops." "I been up da road and around da block and popped a cop with my 18 Glock. Don't say I got no mot-iv-ation jus cuz I ain't stuck in your ass like con-sti-pation. I be in the lot makin' the gold while no one else do what dey told." He turned his gimme hat sideways, wrapped his right hand around his chest, placed his left hand on his chin in a "thinker's pose," and looked stupidly at the interviewer.

"Well-I have one last question" said the interviewer, "What are your salary requirements?" Milton grabbed his crotch and kicked out his left foot a little, then began doing the "Ninja Star" hand movement which is holding your right hand down by your side and moving the hand back and forth like you are throwing out hundreds of ninja stars. "Six figures ain't belittlin to a rapper who ain't in the middlin, and tho I might be from da gutter, you ain't gonna pay me like I's a motherfucker, cuz just like a ho who likes her dough I take my money in a Safeway sack, then smoke it up in a pipe called crack. I drink my wine from yo momma's titty and starve her in my penthouse overlookin' da city." He sucked his lips into his mouth and opened up his eyes wide, holding that pose while the interviewer made a few notes.

The interviewer looked up and replied, "Uh, thank you Mr. Milton, we will be calling you if we feel you are qualified for the position." Milton pounded his chest with his fist twice then flashed the peace sign followed by the words, "Peace Out," before leaving the room.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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