WASHINGTON DC - An incident report stating that President Obama had been "threatened" about 10 weeks after being sworn into office may have had "omissions." A Secret Service spokesman stated, "a more accurate description of the event would be to the effect that President Obama had been struck on the back of his head with a CO2 fire extinguisher, causing him to do a triple-somersault in mid-air then land on his face and skid ten feet across the marble floor."
Disciplinary action against the agents has not been determined at this time, as the President's injury was only discovered days ago, during a Homeland Security demonstration. Obama had walked through one of the full-body airport scanners and the operator noticed what seemed to be "Bondo" resin, typically used in auto body repairs, at the back of Obama's skull.
On the following day, a physician used a CAT scan to perform forensic analysis of the injury, and asked if the president had experienced "severe headaches" and when they had occurred. Obama had difficulty providing any useful information to the doctor; however, he did blame Bush (as expected).
A sports reporter recalled the "horribly embarrassing first pitch" Obama threw on April 5, 2010, and commented "now that I think about it, the awkward lack of eye-hand coordination is what you'd expect from someone after a serious skull-cracking."
Many people remember the November 2009 White House security breach involving Tareq and Michaele Salahi. As a result the Secret Service is facing increasingly intense scrutiny over how someone could attack the US President with "a bright red fire extinguisher." Some agent statements have been released to the press; however, names are being withheld until disciplinary actions are complete.
Agent 1: I guess my first thought was "Idiot, you can't penetrate body armor with a fire extinguisher." And then there was a really loud "BONNNNGGG."
Agent 2: Usually it's the blood everywhere that tells you there's a problem, but this time the only sign of something wrong was a dent in Obama's head, about two inches deep and four inches across. Well, that and the US President babbling and lying in his own drool.
Agent 3: We were really sweating, but then I remembered my cousin working in an auto-body repair shop, and I knew if we had a dent-puller and some super-glue, then we could fix everything and no one would have to know.
Left-wing media outlets are using this news to criticize Conservatives, saying "claims that Obama is a Marxist are clearly unfounded, as blunt-force head trauma explains any bumbling and ridiculous, hare-brained ideas from the President that are tearing America apart."