The man whose meat whistle is prominently featured poking the cervix of Real Housewives Of New Jersey "star" Danielle Staub has implored the film's distributor not to reveal his identity.
"Please, no one can know I was with her," said the anonymous swordsman who, for some reason, voluntarily had sex with a woman whose body looks like a melting candle.
"I have friends, I have family. An aged mother. If anyone finds out I banged her I'd be banished like a leper.
The mystery man's penis, Who appeared heavily disguised in an on-camera interview with Larry King, echoed his regret for the sex act.
"It was... hideous," the penis sobbed. "It was black, cavernous, disgusting. I'll never be the same.
"I like peaches," King responded, more out-of-it than usual. "Puppies are cute. I have to poop."