Written by BillBritton
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Saturday, 12 June 2010

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Squirrel on alert for attack chipmunk

Special to INS - The Wall Street Journal reported that sales of attack chipmunks increased dramatically in 2009. It estimates that more than 270 thousand of the small rodents have been purchased by Americans in response to terrorist threats since 2001. Moose Rodin, president of Incisors-for-Hire©, said that his operation near Waco, Texas trained and sold 2,200 packs of the vicious animals in the past two years. (Attack chipmunks are generally sold in packs of 10.)

"We expect to double our sales in 2010," said Rodin. "Their extremely territorial nature allows us to re-channel that aspect of their persona into a kind of take-no-prisoners attitude when it comes to fending off intruders and terrorists. In fact, I've just signed a contract with the Defense Department to provide 100 ChipPacks® for Marines in Afghanistan, where they'll be used to secure defensive perimeters in remote areas."

A tour of Rodin's facility by Giuseppe Nunzio of INS was an eye-opener. "I always thought of chipmunks as cute little acorn-eaters," reported Nunzio. "First I went through the chipmunk barracks, where cagefuls of the little brutes reared up and snarled at me, gnashing out with their razor-sharp yellow teeth. Then I went to the training area where drill instructors ran them though an obstacle course and had them attack robed-and-turbaned dummies. Of course, they spend hours conditioning on spinning treadmills. It was quite impressive."

Celebrities and other notables are major purchasers. Ellen DeGeneres has more than ten packs, all of which sleep with her. Rush Limbaugh tried a pack, but his insistence that they share his rigid diet of goose-liver pâté and Fritos led to their premature deaths from heart attack and stroke.

60Minutes will air a segment devoted attack chipmunks in late 2010.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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