Written by bob42
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Friday, 11 June 2010

PHOENIX AZ (AP) Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio held a press conference yesterday to introduce his three step enforcement plan for the controversial new law known as Senate Bill 1070. In addition to defining planned measures to identify undocumented immigrants and encourage "attrition" among the illegal Mexican population, Sheriff Arpaio also outlined an "amnesty" provision.

Said Arpaio, "As the toughest and most compassionate Sheriff in the country, the first plank of my plan is amnesty. When SB 1070 takes effect, all illegal Mexicans will be given 72 hours to leave the state before the real enforcement effort begins. For a discounted price of $200 per head, my office will provide bus rides to Nogales." Arpaio added that in cases where Mexicans were captured and brought to his office via citizen's arrest, the bus price would increase to $300 to cover the cost of the $100 bounty to be paid to the citizen that arrested them.

In an attempt to calm legal Mexican or Mexican looking U.S citizens who might fear being "inconvenienced" if caught without their papers, Sheriff Arpaio outlined his EZ-TAG program, "As a service to those who are here legally but just look Mexican, my office is prepared to implant RFID chips in their thighs for the reasonable cost of only $150, provided they first prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that they are actually here legally.

The sheriff then explained the comprehensive deputy training program that has been in place since the legislation was signed into law by Gov. Jan Brewer.

"In addition to teaching my deputies how to tell the difference between a legal Mexican resident and a real American citizen, each weekend we've been rounding up a busload of illegals and turning them loose in the desert a few miles from the border. After a compassionate twenty minute head start, several pairs of deputies begin their pursuit, one driving the all terrain vehicle, and the other acting as a sniper with his deer rifle and scope.

This comprehensive training program will provide Maricopa County deputies with the skills they need to make a single, clean, kill-shot. These skills are crucially important to the third stage of my enforcement plan, summary execution."

John Dougherty, a reporter for the Phoenix NewTimes News apparently attempted to ask Arpaio a question about the constitutionality of his plan, but was tazed and arrested before he was able to complete it.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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