Written by Tawdry Soup
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Topics: Language, sayings

Friday, 11 June 2010

image for Over the Hill Student Offers Cacophony of Crusty Catchphrases
Don't queer the pitch, baby!

Larry Miller, forced to return to college to find a degree after losing the assembly job he had for 45 years, continues to entertain a new generation of college students with catchphrases so out of date no one has any idea what he is talking about.

On a recent Tuesday morning, after Algebra 101, Larry proudly walked up to a group of young classmates in the Student Union and asked if they were just "chewing the cud." He commented that a girl's dyed hair was "black as a Newgates knocker," but it was better than being "bald as a coot" like him.

He wondered aloud if the teacher, who he called a "pill," and "acts like she has a bee in her bonnet," was going to "take him to the woodshed" for not turning in his homework on time. He said when the teacher began to ask for the homework, it was "squeaky bum time" for him, and worried if his excuses "sounded like a broken record." He also wondered if he should admit he spent the evening "watching the tube" and "shilly-shallying around his house."

He openly thought he might be "in a fine kettle of fish."

When a student tried to interrupt, Miller exhorted, "Don't queer the pitch, baby!" Then he went on to say the teacher had "given him the hairy eyeball," followed by, "although I ain't keen as mustard, I bet dollars to donuts I ain't goin' to teach your grandma to suck eggs, but Katy better bar the door because I'm working on three assignments tonight, and am going to head up there lickety split, turn in the work and everything will be hunky dory. Well, I better get crankin. That's all folks."

He finished his monologue by looking skyward, placing his hands at his side, which made his beer belly bulge forward between his backpack straps, and yelled, "beam me up Scotty," loud enough everyone within earshot could hear.

As he walked off, he hollered back if anyone wanted to study with him later don't worry about it because, "my dance card is full," followed by, "don't take any wooden nickels." About that time, one of the students said under his breath, "what you talkin' 'bout, Willis?"

As Miller walked by a group of Sorority girls standing in the drink line, he advised them in a good natured tone, "Don't drink the Codswallop!"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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