Written by Morgan Truce
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Topics: Atlanta, Library

Saturday, 12 March 2005

image for Brian Nichols Given Overdue Book Fine
"I'll return that book when I'm done reading it!"

ATLANTA (AP) The Fulton County Public Library has fined Brian Nichols ten cents for allegedly keeping a book past its due date. Mary Snowden, a worker in the library's circulation department said, "We don't understand why Brian didn't return the book on time. Brian Nichols is one of our best library patrons. He's been coming in to the library for many years. I noticed that he spent a lot of time in the Criminology section of our stacks, but he also took out a lot of books dealing with infamous outlaws, escape and evasion, and firearms. He also loved looking at maps. What doesn't make sense is that the book he has overdue is ‘Horton Hatches the Egg' by Dr. Suess. Brian never spent much time in Children's Books and I don't know why he chose to keep that book out past its due date. In any event, we will have to fine Mr. Nichols ten cents for every day he keeps the book out."

Last night TV's ‘America's Most Wanted' featured a 20 minute segment dealing with Brian Nichols' crime spree in Atlanta. John Walsh said, "Brian Nichols is a notorious book thief. We need to capture him and take away his library card. If you spot Brian Nichols on the street, please call the America's Most Wanted Hotline at 1-800-CRIME-TV and we will contact local law enforcement to try and apprehend this low-life book thief. My son Adam used to love reading ‘Horton Hatches the Egg' - it was one of his favorite books. Just knowing that this creep Brian Nichols is out there reading that book while hundreds of Atlanta children are waiting to borrow it just makes my blood boil."

The local CBS affiliate in Atlanta received a phone call from Brian Nichols who is now on the run: "Hello? This is Brian Nichols---the guy everyone is looking for because of that overdue library book. It's true; I do have the book. But I am a slow reader and it's taking me longer to finish ‘Horton Hatches the Egg' than I thought it would. I really can't afford the ten cents a day, so I might have to do something drastic so I don't get caught. Please stop chasing me!"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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