President Obama, batting O for Forever on the Political Scene, was moved to step into bankruptcy proceedings for the Texas Rangers, mired in bad debt caused by imprudent borrowing to sign disappointing players saying "The time to kick some ass is now...and I'm just the MFer than can do it!"
Helen Thomas hailed the President's pronouncement as "Real Hope & Change for true believers every where...Jews don't belong in baseball, it's time they were all sent back to the minors in Altoona or where ever they came from!"
Obama announced a joint partnership between the Administration and investment Bank Goldman Sachs to pay off the American League Teams debt $.10 on the dollar which also includes a lingering $25m contract to now Yankee Slugger and Celebrity Shagger, Alex Rodriquez, no relation to Spoof Sports Writer Abel Rodriquez, although they are both known as 'big hitters' wielding powerful bats.
On lookers say Obama's decision was based on last nights pitching debut of Washington National's rookie Stephen Strasburg who struck out 14 batters in 7 innings in a victory, which finally gave the hometown fans something to cheer about after 17 months as "business as usual...lot's of errors and free passes to the visiting teams."
Making good on his promise made on national TV to 'kick some ass", Obama dispatched aide Rahm Emanuel to Texas for the housecleaning where in a Tuesday night massacre, Rahm with agents provided from Homeland Security Squaw Janet Napilatano, and a few well placed taser shots, managed to vacate the HQ and training facility of the entire staff, as well as some marginal players.
At his first press conference after the purge, Obama, clad in a red silk Texas Rangers warm up jacket and Presidential Seal, and sporting a team number of "1", announced his plans for the team, strangely reminiscent of another
head of state, Fidel Castro, who also fancied himself as a great manager.
"I have notified my Secretary of Labour to commence a world wide search for a new manager, and a host of coaches to get this team back on track.
Let me be very clear....I am in CHARGE and every decision, including the line up card will be carefully scrutinized by me. No action on the field will be taken without being run by me. I want to assure all American Citizens, and the guests of our country, that I am fully engaged!"
Obama went on to detail how Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is off on a world wide tour searching for some replacement ballplayers.
An aide to Clinton said the tour plans to head to the Dominican Republic looking for a short stop with good range that can hit. She's then off to Haiti where Husband Bill has spotted some real quick base stealers.
Next is Columbia where she's heard about a medical trainer who is a whizz prescribing performance enhancing drugs that can't be traced.
According to the White House, Obama is not adverse to lifting the trade embargo to Cuba in exchange for a few good pitchers plus the title to Gitmo if the trade works out.
According to the marketing firm headed by Joe Biden's son, plans are underway to renamed the stadium 'Goldman Sachs Fields of Green', with Morgan Stanley being granted all food concessions, Banco Americano handling internet ticket sales, and Al Gore's environmentally friendly hedge fund in charge of the pay as you go flushless toilets.
Waste removal contracts have been awarded to a Chicago Consortium with board members Valerie Jarret, Van Jones, Mayor Daley's wife, and former disgraced Governor 'Blago' being considered as CEO if he keeps his mouth shut at his upcoming corruption trial.
Thanks to stimulus money, a fleet of Waste Pumping trucks has been ordered from Caterpillar in a custom purple colour picked by Michelle Obama, and Gold Leaf lettering "Chicago Toxic Waste, LLC---Your Shit is Our Bread & Butter." Michelle also picked out the design and colours for the new sleeveless uniforms and custom spikes from Jimmy Choo.
Congress is contemplating some new laws concerning the takeover including granting the Rangers 4 outs per inning, unlimited substitutions, and being pitched to with 'juiced' balls. Eric Holder has also declared Free Agency for the team "unconstitutional, racist and not in the best interests of a team representing the American Taxpayer" despite not having read the baseball rule book, or even knowing where Cooperstown is. He did admit to having a Baby Ruth candy bar once while he was at Harvard.
Obama has also promised if things go as planned, this year's World Series will be in Caracas, a decision hailed by Sean Penn and Oliver Stone who has promised to do another documentary, this time featuring Sports Hero and Visionary Barry "Big Stick" Obama calling him, "the best thing that's happened to the game since Stalin fucked everybody at Malta!"