Written by Phil Maggitti
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Topics: Police, Los Angeles

Friday, 11 March 2005

image for Kobe Bryant Bobblehead Doll Accused of Rape
"When the red, red robin comes bob, bob, bobbin' . . ."

CANTON, Ohio - Canton police announced yesterday that they were seeking the newly minted Kobe Bryant bobblehead doll for questioning in connection with the alleged rape of a Los Angeles Lakers cheerleader doll that occurred in the drafting room of the Bosley Bobblehead Doll Company.

"It's too early to say whether the Kobe Bean Bryant doll is a suspect in this case," said Canton's chief of police, Dean McKimm. "We just want to ask him a few questions based on allegations made by the cheerleader doll."

The cheerleader doll, a buxom blonde with show business aspirations whom we will call Katelyn F. (not her real name), made the allegations during a final product check at Bosley after Wilfred Brimley, head of quality control, had noticed that the Katelyn doll's hair was disheveled, her neck was bruised, and her undergarments were torn.

"At first I thought those undocumented aliens we hired last month was smoking crack on the job again," said Brimley. "Then I seen the Katelyn doll had been crying. When I asked her if she was still upset about blowing the tryout for American Idol Dolls, she started bawling again."

According to a police report, the Katelyn doll told Brimley she had been attacked by the Bryant doll after she had taken him on a tour of the factory. They had just returned to the drafting room when the Bryant doll pulled her inside, locked the door, and asked her for a kiss.

"I said OK at first," the Katelyn doll told police. "I mean, I'm a Lakers girl, and I'm expected to be friendly with the players, especially the ones that score a lot. But he went too far, and when I asked him to stop, he grabbed me by the neck . . ."

Reaction to the Katelyn doll's charges among the other dolls at Bosley was split along gender lines.

"What's the big deal about a little groping"? asked the Arnold Schwarzenegger doll, bobbing his head sarcastically. "She was probably asking for it anyway."

The Hillary Clinton doll, her head bobbing in anger, bristled at the Schwarzenegger doll's comment.

"That's just like a man," said the Clinton doll. "If you say ‘thank you' when a man opens a door for you, he thinks you're asking for it. When I'm president, which that stupid-sounding foreigner can't be, I'll make groping a capital crime."

The Katharine Hepburn doll, bobbing from head to foot, appeared to agree.

The allegations against the Bryant doll may cost him a lucrative endorsement contract with Carl's Jr. The fast-food chain had planned to feature the Bryant doll as part of a Lakers promotion in Los Angeles and Orange counties next month. Carl III, director of public relations for Carl's Jr., said those plans were now on hold.

"My grandfather, Carl Sr., wants to get all the fixings before we make a decision," said Carl III.

The Bryant doll's agent, Jerry Maguire, remained optimistic, however. "What the hell," laughed Maguire. "Even if the damn doll is guilty, they can still run the promotion in South Central."

Maguire pointed out that Carl's Jr. is known for "freaky advertising." In the past the chain has featured a naked woman eating a burger while sitting on a mechanical bull. The company has also featured Playboy magazine founder, Hugh Hefner, eating a burger while sitting on a naked woman.

In other news, the Barry Bonds bobblehead doll appeared naked from the waist down at a press conference yesterday. "As y'all can well see," said the Bonds doll to a group of terrified reporters, "ain't no way anybody can say I've been taking steroids."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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