Implausibly named President Barack Hussein Obama, citing safety f-ckups that triggered the country's worst environmental disaster, said he is looking for "whose ass to kick" in response to the BP spill.
Obama said there may have been "some corner cutting" on safety on the oil rig and promised an investigation. BP has spent $1.25 billion so far on the worst disaster since the comet killed the dinosaurs, or about 44 minutes worth of BP's profits.
The company said it captured 11,100 barrels on June 6 from the leaking well, meaning they just missed containing another 242,635,247,520,765,087,533,000 gallons. This oil is now making wildlife from Texas to Florida all nice and black and slippery.
"I was talking to a young mother and her 5 year old son, and he put it into perspective for me. He said, 'Mr. President, why did the gas station company break our ocean?' I decided then and there that I had to layeth the smacketh down."
Obama will be using a combination of traditional WWE wrestling and mixed martial arts when kicking the ass of who is responsible. "And then my finishing move, " said Obama, "is me coming off the top rope doing a double backflip to land an elbow, then a piledriver, and finally creaming my opponent with a chair."
It was unclear whether this was to be a Obama-Biden Tag Team.