Written by Morgan Truce
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Thursday, 10 March 2005

image for Dan Rather Insists: "George W. Bush Dodged the Draft!"
Still picking on George W. Bush

NEW YORK (AP) In his last appearance as anchor on the CBS Evening News, veteran reporter Dan Rather spewed a litany of abuse against President George W. Bush. Dan Rather said: "I blame that draft-dodging Bush for my getting canned as anchorman. I KNOW for certain that he used the Air National Guard to avoid being sent to Viet Nam. I went to Viet Nam. George Bush didn't. I felt bullets whizzing past my head, while George Bush was snorting cocaine in Alabama. I was helping carry wounded G.I.s out of the jungle while George Bush was sleeping around with every prostitute south of the Mason-Dixon line."

"Those memos that we talked about on 60 Minutes might have been cooked up, but all the information in them was absolutely true and the President knows it. Instead of just ‘fessing up and telling the American people that he was a whoring coke head draft dodger, President Bush pulled all the strings with his buddies at CBS and got me fired! I'll get that lying no-good Bush if it's the last thing I do. Now that I don't have to show up every night to sit at that silly desk, I can spend every waking hour down in Texas and Alabama digging up dirt on Bush. And I'm going to get that miserable little dog Barney too!"

Spoof reporter Morgan Truce asked Dan Rather, "Don't you think you're being a little harsh on the President, Dan?"

"Courage!" shouted the ex-anchorman. "I've got the courage to admit that I am the biggest Liberal since George McGovern. I've been donating all my CBS salary to the Democratic Party for the past 30 years. Jane Fonda and Barney Frank phoned me every night and told me what to say on the news. I've got more left wing bias than a DC-3 with its starboard engine on fire. That takes real courage to say, but I've been wanting to get that off my chest!"

"That wimpy George W. Bush doesn't have the courage to tell us how he was the bagman during Watergate, how he was the real assassin down in Dallas that shot Kennedy, and how he was behind Senator Joe McCarthy's witch hunt."

"I hate those Republicans! I hate ‘em all!" said Dan Rather as he left the CBS Evening News desk for the last time.


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