MOUNTAIN VIEW, Calif. - A spokesperson for the news division of Google Inc. announced yesterday that "due to excessive traffic" Google News had recalled the keywords George W. Bush, Michael Jackson, and Paris Hilton. Any attempts to search these keywords through Google News now results in the following error message: Why don't you get a life and read about somebody else for a change, you cretin?
"We regret having to take this step," said the Google spokesperson, whose keyword is anonymous, "but our mission requires that we promote diversity in news searches."
Google's announcement was met with particular outrage among satire writers. "They can't do this to me," screamed veteran writer Biff Scuzzy.
Scuzzy claimed that his most recent story, "George W. Bush, Michael Jackson, and Paris Hilton Elope," was his most popular ever. "It rawked!" said Scuzzy by cell phone from the basement apartment in his parents' home in Freehold, New Jersey. "It rawked even harder than 'George W. Bush, Michael Jackson, and Paris Hilton Arrested' or 'George W. Bush, Michael Jackson, and Paris Hilton Kidnapped.'"
Scuzzy, an unemployed fry cook and part-time community college student, was at a loss for words when asked whom he would write about next.
"I dunno, dude," he said. "I'm thinking along the lines of ‘Dick Cheney, Bill Cosby, and Lindsay Lohan Sex Tape Discovered.' D'ya think I ought to throw the pope in there for good measure?"
Scuzzy was not the only satire writer upset by Google's announcement. Thebushwhacker, who has begun fifty-three consecutive story headlines with the words George W. Bush, complained that Google was killing the goose that laid the golden story views.
"I could write any old crap and get three or four hundred hits easy, as long as the headline began ‘George W. Bush . . .' For sure there are other people I could make up stuff up about, but I don't hate them the way I hate Bush. That guy's the pits."
As out of sorts as they are now, Scuzzy, Thebushwhacker, and other satire writers are in for more "bad newz." Sources close to Google-which isn't all that close, given the company's obsession with secrecy-report that Google is compiling an endangered species list of keywords that could be recalled at a moment's notice if people don't stop abusing them. Among those words are Donald Rumsfeld, Prince Charles, Britney Spears, and Lindsay Lohan.
"In fact," said the not-all-that-close source, "Google did an unannounced beta ban on Jennifer Aniston, and no one's heard anything about her for almost two months."
In related news, Google announced that's it's new desktop search tool had located Osama bin Laden.