NEW ORLEANS - The mayor of New Orleans Tyrone "Bling Bling" Du Maupassant-Etouffee has said that the Gulf of Mexico BP oil mess has reached catastrophic proportions.
He noted that the Louisiana alligator suitcase industry and the alligator shoe industry will both be virtually wiped out.
Du Maupassant-Etouffee stated that he has personally seen alligators rolling around on stray chickens trying to get the damn oil off their bodies.
He said he has seen crayfish and crawfish spitting at each other trying to get the friggin oil off their hard shells.
And Du Maupassant-Etouffee said, with tears in his eyes, that the old Linda Ronstadt song, which was later re-done by that husband stealing LeAnn Rimes, "Blue Bayou" is no longer blue and a more accurate name for the song would now be "Black Bayou."
He went on to note that many of Louisiana's Creole and Cajun restaurants have had to shut down because no one wants to eat Shrimp Etouffee smothered in damn tar oil.
He further went on to say that The 49th Annual Lake Charles Chicken Gumbo Eating Contest has been cancelled because not even starving homeless people would willingly eat Tar Ball Flavored Chicken Gumbo.
The mayor said that the only good thing that has come out of this whole damn oil induced mess is that the mosquito population has gone from roughly 793 trillion mosquitoes down to about 2,000 or so.
When asked why this is, Mayor Du Maupassant-Etouffee smiled and stated, "Well y'all it kinda be like dis. Less juss say dat you be one of dem male muskeedas would you wanna be stickin' jur little bitty muskeeda pecker into a female muskeeda's nasty oil covered hooha?...I didn't teenk so."
The mayor was asked if there is any possible solution anywhere on the horizon. He thought for a moment and said that there was. He was asked what that solution might be.
He took a sip of his Southern Comfort drink and said, "I hates ta say dis, but what we needs is a good old-fashioned category 5 damn hurricane ta hit and blow all of dis effen oil shit da hell outta here!"
In a related story. Arkansas Governor Bubba Klinkerhouse has gone on record as saying that if any Louisiana tar balls end up on Arkansas soil he'll activate the Arkansas National Guard and they'll cross into Louisiana and start shooting up the place.