New York (Spoof International News) In a move that has surprised pundits, nay-sayers, dooms-dayers and other nattering nabobs, President Bush today nominated Michael Bolton as the new US ambassador to the UN, replacing John Negroponte, his new "Intelligence Czar" (sic).
"When Condi suggested that I nominate Bolton, I picked up the phone faster than you can say ‘Bob's your uncle'" said Mr. Bush. In front of reporters, Mr. Bush then sang. "‘Tell me how I am supposed to live without you…now that I've been loving you so long…' I just love that part. It gets Laura going somethin' fierce too," said Bush.
"Michael Bolton is an arch-conservative, tough-talking arms proliferation expert," said the U.S. Secretary of State, Condoleeza Rice, as she announced the nomination. "As the former undersecretary for arms control, Mr. Bolton signed the letter informing the UN of the US withdrawal from the International Criminal Court. And really…perhaps more importantly…'When a man loves a woman…Can't keep his mind on nothin' else'…" sang Ms. Rice to a stunned crowd of reporters. "It gives me goose-bumps to think that he'll actually be working for me," she continued. "He is personally committed to the success of the United Nations, and he will be a strong voice for reform at a time when the UN has begun to reform itself."
But all is not peaches-and-cream inside the beltway. While Vice-President Dick Cheney was originally thought to have pushed hard for this nomination, his staff just last weekend began disseminating "brownie-point chits" to all White House staffers that voluntarily gave up their Bolton CDs and tapes. Those that would not voluntarily give them up had their office radios and CD players confiscated for the duration.
The UN Secretary-General Kofi Annan was sanguine as he answered questions from the international press corps about the Bolton nomination.
"Mr. Bolton will tow a tough line, I know. And, I can't help reminiscing about the first time I heard ‘Birds fly, they don't think twice…They simply spread their wings…The sun shines, it don't ask why…Or what the whole thing means.' His songs are, in my humble opinion, America's most significant cultural contributions to world."